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Traditional music is becoming extinct among young generations. Do you agree or disagree?

Traditional music is becoming extinct among young generations. dDYj2
The last years conventional music is destroying amongst youngest age. I completely agree with this issue as it is not introducing in education system at primary school and the youngest people are listening access to more choices of music. Firstly, all level schools have to be lesson and program about traditional music. At primary school can’t teach about elementary information of music like mathematics and alphabet. So, the most children haven’t any information about traditional music and art in their childhood. If the all school have especial music program, the most children will want to know about their national music and song. And also, the national music is necessary linked together with culture. Continuously, at secondary school need to explain traditional music’s detail and why we need to know our culture and music field. So, the children can have more knowledge of music and they want to listen and favorite by themselves. Therefore, the young generation search and interesting traditional music instrumental, band, and culture.
The last years conventional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is destroying amongst
A determiner is probably missing here: "the youngest".
youngest
age. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this issue as it is not introducing in education system at primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and the youngest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are listening access to more choices of music.

Firstly
, all level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be lesson and program about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. At primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
can’t teach about elementary information of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
like mathematics and alphabet.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the most children haven’t any information about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and art in their childhood. If the all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
have especial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
program, the most children will want to know about their national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and song. And
also
, the national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is necessary linked together with culture.
Continuously
, at secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music’s
detail and why we need to know our culture and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
field.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the children can have more knowledge of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
music and
they want to listen and favorite by themselves.
Therefore
, the young generation search and interesting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
instrumental, band, and culture.
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IELTS essay Traditional music is becoming extinct among young generations.

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
165 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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