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Topic: Some people say that too much attention and too many resources are given in the protection of wild animals and birds. Do you agree or disagree about this opinion? v.1

Topic: Some people say that too much attention and too many resources are given in the protection of wild animals and birds. about this opinion? v. 1
Children are the mirrors of the society and they become what they learn during their childhood. Therefore, some people feel that it is the duty of parents to teach them to be good members of the society, while others believe that schools should teach these things to kids. In my opinion, not only parents and schools, but also other elders with whom a child spends his/her time plays a crucial role in the making of an individual. First of all, parents spend most of their routine in looking after their children from the time of their birth until they go to school and teach them to become obedient, polite and respect others. Babies do exactly what their elders do, so if parents perform their duties seriously, they will follow them. For instance, if elder ones at home use abusive language with each other, then youngsters could also start doing this. Moreover, the guardians have maximum time in laying a foundation of their young one's future. Secondly, they have the rights to look over the daily routine as well as the activities of the little ones. Consequently, it can be said that the mother and the father have a critical role in making him a responsible citizen of the society. Although, parenthood is largely responsible for a young one's attitude, yet schools equally contribute towards the personality of the school-goings. Furthermore, teachers can watch the student's activities and inform their guardians in case of any misconduct. For example, if they are involved in a bad company or wrongful act, they can stop them and make them understand about their actions. Additionally, the educational institutes should teach moral values and good behaviour in all the standards so that the students would always keep them in the minds. Therefore, there is no doubt about the pivotal role of schools in shaping the minds, behaviour and moral of a young. In conclusion, it can be rightly said that the parents are the first teacher of a child, but alma mater is also the chief learning point where students build their personalities. In my view, it is the responsibility of both parents and the schools that what type of individuals they are giving to the community. Each and every elderly individual related to a child, either family or neighbours should contribute in making him a benevolent person in public.
Children are the mirrors of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
society and
they become what they learn during their childhood.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that it is the duty of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
them to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
members of the society, while others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
these things to kids. In my opinion, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
elders with whom a child spends his/her time plays a crucial role in the making of an individual.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
spend most of their routine in looking after their children from the time of their birth until they go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
them to become obedient, polite and respect others. Babies do exactly what their elders do,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
perform their duties
seriously
, they will follow them.
For instance
, if elder ones at home
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
abusive language with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
, then youngsters could
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
doing this.
Moreover
, the guardians have maximum time in laying a foundation of their young one's future.
Secondly
, they have the rights to look over the daily routine
as well
as the activities of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
ones.
Consequently
, it can
be said
that the mother and the father have a critical role in making him a responsible citizen of the society.

Although, parenthood is
largely
responsible for a young one's attitude,
yet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
equally
contribute towards the personality of the school-goings.
Furthermore
, teachers can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the student's activities and inform their guardians in case of any misconduct.
For example
, if they
are involved
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or wrongful act, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them understand about their actions.
Additionally
, the educational institutes should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
moral values and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in all the standards
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the students would always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them in the minds.
Therefore
, there is no doubt about the pivotal role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in shaping the minds,
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and moral of a young.

In conclusion
, it can be
rightly
said that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
teacher of a child,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
alma mater is
also
the chief learning point where students build their personalities. In my view, it is the responsibility of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
that what type of individuals they are giving to the community. Each and every elderly individual related to a child, either family or
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
should contribute in making him a benevolent person in public.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Topic: Some people say that too much attention and too many resources are given in the protection of wild animals and birds. about this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
394 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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