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TOPIC: Nowadays, some people like to give help to the local community or provide people with direct help. Other people prefer to give money to national and international organizations. Discuss both methods and give your own opinion on which is better. v.1

TOPIC: Nowadays, some people like to give help to the local community or provide people with direct help. Other people prefer to give money to national and international organizations. v. 1
In recent years, it has been observed that the percentage of poverty in increasing. Given that we live in an age where people in need seem to be around the corner, it seems wise to get behind the idea that we should help them, whether directly or throw some organizations. In my opinion, I believe that it is very essential to support people in our local area directly rather then through an intermediary such as charity organisations. On one hand, it is thought by some people that supporting local community or people is the most effective solution as concerned individual will receive facilities very fast such as food or clothes. In addition, spotting women and men in need in every area is easier on local scale so that it is in favour of this view. While others may think that it is not fair as charity won't go to those how need it the most as it is divided geographically. Furthermore, it has been proven that there is levels of poverty, for instance, children in Africa are dying because of lack of nutrition while those who can't afford leisure items in US such as toys are considered to be eligible for help. Thus, by lending the money to national and international organisation, we make sure that it will be used for a good cause. In conclusion, Whilst some people may think help should be planned and organised, I think change starts for each person.
In recent years, it has
been observed
that the percentage of poverty in increasing.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an age where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in need seem to be around the corner, it seems wise to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
behind the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them, whether
directly
or throw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
organizations. In my opinion, I believe that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
essential to support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in our local area
directly
rather
Did you mean "than"? 'than' is used for comparisons, 'then' is an expression of time.
then
through an intermediary such as charity
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisations
.

On one hand, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that supporting local community or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
the most effective solution as concerned individual will receive facilities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
such as food or clothes.
In addition
, spotting women and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in need in every area is easier on local scale
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it is in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of this view.

While others may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
as charity won't go to
Did you mean "this how" or "those hows"?
those how
need it the most as it
is divided
geographically
.
Furthermore
, it has
been proven
that
Did you mean "there are levels"?
there is levels
of poverty,
for instance
, children in Africa are dying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of nutrition while those who can't afford leisure items in US such as toys
are considered
to be eligible for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.
Thus
, by lending the money to national and international
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisation
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that it will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
cause.

In conclusion
, Whilst
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
should
be planned
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
for each person.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay TOPIC: Nowadays, some people like to give help to the local community or provide people with direct help. Other people prefer to give money to national and international organizations. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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