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Topic: Nowadays, celebrities increasingly have the status of role models, in particular for younger people. Do you see this as a positive or negative development? v.2

Topic: Nowadays, celebrities increasingly have the status of role models, in particular for younger people. Do you see this as a positive or negative development? v. 2
These days, the development of social mass media has lead to a relationship between celebrities and their fans. Many teenagers have regarded those famous people as their idols. In my view, this phenomenon brings about a variety of good points but there are also some drawbacks. On the one hand, lots of people have reputation for their extraordinary talents which can not only inspire adolescents but also help them to realize and promote their aptitude. For example, many famous soccer players like Ronaldo and Messi with their remarkable performances, have encouraged a lot of teenagers to take part in this sport. Thanks to this, some of the youngsters can discover their potential and spend time on developing their skills in the future. Secondly, celebrities can also be good examples of virtues. According to a study, a great number of superstars have taken part in doing voluntary activities every year, Angelina Josie – a famous actress of Hollywood, has donated over 20 million USD for the poor living in Africa recently, she also built many houses and upgraded several hospitals for individuals who were homeless. Evidently, these instances proved that teenagers can learn many good points from their idols. On the other hand, there are still some bad points. Firstly, lots of people are well-known for their scandals or public misconduct. Take an example in a man in Viet Nam who is renowned as the name “Kha Banh”, he has been made several videos about violent actions and committed crimes as well. Moreover, his bad speech with wrongdoings have stimulated a great number of students to follow, which detrimentally affect youngsters’ behaviour and increase the criminal rate in Viet Nam significantly. Secondly, there are many fans spending a large amount of time and money on changing their appearance so as to be looked like their idols, they try to imitate every action and style of super-stars. Additionally, many teenagers, nowadays, kick wars with each other to protect their idols from bad rumours. Obviously, these phenomenons indicate that highly regarding a super-star as model may negatively impact on younger people’s development. In conclusion, although many celebrities have done very well as a role model for the youth, the potential drawbacks of this trend should be considered.
These days, the development of social mass media has lead to a relationship between celebrities and their fans.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
have regarded those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as their idols. In my view, this phenomenon brings about a variety of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
points
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks.

On the one hand, lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have reputation for their extraordinary talents which can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
inspire adolescents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to realize and promote their aptitude.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
soccer players like Ronaldo and Messi with their remarkable performances, have encouraged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in this sport. Thanks to this,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
youngsters can discover their potential and spend time on developing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the future.
Secondly
, celebrities can
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
examples of virtues. According to a study, a great number of superstars have taken part in doing voluntary activities every year, Angelina Josie
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
actress of Hollywood, has donated over 20 million USD for the poor living in Africa recently, she
also
built
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
and upgraded several hospitals for individuals who were homeless.
Evidently
, these instances proved that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
points from their idols.

On the other hand
, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
points.
Firstly
, lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are well-known for their scandals or public misconduct. Take an example in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viet
Nam who
is renowned
as the name “
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kha
Possible spelling mistake found.
Banh
”, he has
been made
several videos about violent actions and committed crimes
as well
.
Moreover
, his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
speech with wrongdoings have stimulated a great number of students to follow, which
detrimentally
affect youngsters’
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and increase the criminal rate in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viet
Nam
significantly
.
Secondly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fans spending a large amount of time and money on changing their appearance
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
be looked
like their idols, they try to imitate every action and style of super-stars.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
, nowadays, kick wars with each other to protect their idols from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake found.
rumours
.
Obviously
, these phenomenons indicate that
highly
regarding a super-star as model may
negatively
impact on younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
development.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
celebrities have done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well as a role model for the youth, the potential drawbacks of this trend should
be considered
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Topic: Nowadays, celebrities increasingly have the status of role models, in particular for younger people. Do you see this as a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
374 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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