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Topic: Many people say that universities should only offer to young students with high marks, others say that they should accept people of all ages, even if they did not do well. Discuss both views and give your own opinions. v.1

Topic: Many people say that universities should only offer to young students with high marks, others say that they should accept people of all ages, even if they did not do well. v. 1
The shopping complex is a great location to utilize their free time and get together with others. People however in the earlier principally visited those when obligatory. I believe that shopping has become an old trend, spending too much time at malls is putting adverse affect mostly on the young generations, education and health as well. To begin with, it is fact that in the modern era, most of the people spend their time at shopping plazas rather than the past. As if the young ones are being attracted by these places. Mostly they are interested to skip their classes to meet friends at malls and give the first preference to eat junk food like pizza, burger, sandwiches and so on. As a result, it puts bad hazards on the healthy life. Moreover, although there are various of products can be purchased by the consumers under a single roof like beauty products, kitchen appliance, kind of fruits and vegetables as well as a number of facilities are provided by the malls like air conditioners, escalators, movie theatres, kid's and food corners. So, it has become a first preference to spend their time on it as compared to open places and parks. The portion of these places is started declining due to the malls. It puts a detrimental effect mostly on the younger generation and the rest of the people also, because they always keep away from the nature. According to me, fully airy environment gives us energy to do daily chores. In addition, people urge to purchase that things which are not necessary, they spend a large amount of their pocket money as a consequence these types of expenditure put them in debt. As well, at the end of season, huge discounts are provided by different brands on their products. I think, they have more profit in this than consumers because it increased their business. They do fraud with people owing to they can not manage their budget. To conclude, there are more negative effects on people's life as they become more consumptive. So people should spend their precious time at airy places rather than shopping complexes and used these areas only to pick up essential commodities.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
complex is a great location to utilize their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
together with others.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
however
in the earlier
principally
visited those when obligatory. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has become an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
trend, spending too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
is putting adverse affect
mostly
on the young generations, education and health
as well
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is fact that in the modern era, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
plazas
rather
than the past.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
if the young ones are
being attracted
by these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
.
Mostly
they
are interested
to skip their classes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
friends at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
and give the
first
preference to eat junk food like pizza, burger, sandwiches and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
As a result
, it puts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
hazards on the healthy life.

Moreover
, although there are various of products can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
by the consumers under a single roof like beauty products, kitchen appliance, kind of fruits and vegetables
as well
as a number of facilities
are provided
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
like air conditioners, escalators, movie
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
, kid's and food corners.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it has become a
first
preference to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on it as compared to open
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
and parks. The portion of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
declining due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
. It puts a detrimental effect
mostly
on the younger generation and the rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
away from the nature.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
,
fully
airy environment gives us energy to do daily chores.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
urge to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
that things which are not necessary, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
a large amount of their pocket money as a consequence these types of expenditure put them in debt.
As well
, at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of season, huge discounts
are provided
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
brands on their products. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, they have more profit in this than consumers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it increased their business. They do fraud with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
owing to they can not manage their budget.

To conclude
, there are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life as they become more consumptive.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at airy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
complexes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
these areas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to pick up essential commodities.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Topic: Many people say that universities should only offer to young students with high marks, others say that they should accept people of all ages, even if they did not do well. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
367 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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