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TOPIC 2: Some people think that the government is wasting money on arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view? v.1

TOPIC 2: Some people think that the government is wasting money on arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. v. 1
In this modernization, most of the populace wants to get benefit from all kinds of comfort related amenities. Therefore, they consider metropolitan areas as the best option in order to enjoy the comfort and adequate lifestyle. To quench this thirst, they shift to towns leaving their parents behind in the rural areas. The problems and solutions of this sort of exodus will be discussed in the following paragraphs. In this competitive era, every person wants to win the race of success as a result, he puts his all endeavours to achieve the goal. Firstly, employment and easy access to all types of facilities are the sole reasons for the shift to the towns. However, a coin has two sides, the excess transfer to urban places will lead to various hazardous problems such as overcrowded cities, heavy traffic on roads, polluted environment, et Cetra. Moreover, the availability of surplus job candidates will give birth to shortage of job opportunities which would further lead to tough competition in order to get employed in the renowned firms or organizations. To ensure the problems due to shift to metropolitans, government and private organizations should come forward by taking some significant steps such as the establishment of health care systems in the villages. Apart from this, private firms should contribute in building shopping centres at such places to prevent movement and this will also give the people, a chance to take care of their elderly ones by living at their own residence. In addition to this, the establishment of private companies and manufacturing industries can bring thousands of job opportunities for youngsters at their own living spots. All in all, the shift to metropolises can cause serious problems in the near future to the public as well as the environment, but private organizations and public authorities can prevent related issues before they occur for the betterment of array of masses.
In this modernization, most of the populace wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefit from all kinds of comfort related amenities.
Therefore
, they consider metropolitan areas as the best option in order to enjoy the comfort and adequate lifestyle. To quench this thirst, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shift
to towns leaving their parents behind in the rural areas. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and solutions of this sort of exodus will
be discussed
in the following paragraphs.

In this competitive era, every person wants to win the race of success
as a result
, he puts his all
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
to achieve the goal.
Firstly
, employment and easy access to all types of facilities are the sole reasons for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shift
to the towns.
However
, a coin has two sides, the excess transfer to urban places will lead to various hazardous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as overcrowded cities, heavy traffic on roads, polluted environment,
Possible spelling mistake found.
et
Possible spelling mistake found.
Cetra
.
Moreover
, the availability of surplus job candidates will give birth to shortage of job opportunities which would
further
lead to tough competition in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
employed in the renowned firms or organizations.

To ensure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shift
to metropolitans,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
organizations should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
forward by taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
significant steps such as the establishment of health care systems in the villages. Apart from this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
firms should contribute in building shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
at such places to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
movement and this will
also
give the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, a chance to take care of their elderly ones by living at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
residence.
In addition
to this, the establishment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and manufacturing industries can bring thousands of job opportunities for youngsters at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
living spots.

All in all, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shift
to metropolises can cause serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in the near future to the public
as well
as the environment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
organizations and public authorities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
related issues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they occur for the betterment of array of masses.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay TOPIC 2: Some people think that the government is wasting money on arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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