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Topic 17: Write a paragraph of about 200-250 words to express you opinion in the following topic: “Some people say that children spending much time working on computers is actually good preparation for their education and their working lives”.

Topic 17: Write a paragraph of about 200-250 words to express you opinion in the following topic: “Some people say that children spending much time working on computers is actually good preparation for their education and their working lives”. 53M6m
Due to the successful development of technology, our society has a great process of improving social life. Some people believed that the invention of computers would have positive impacts on children’s education and working lives. However, from my perspective, spending too much time working on computers may bring lots of disadvantages. First of all, computers can take variously side effects on users’ health. When using a long time to work on computers, children may be seriously affected on eyesight and posture. They have to take eye-to-eye with the screen for long hours, and their eyes directly contact with green light lead to some eye problems like short-sighted, cataract, dried and tired eyes. Moreover, sitting too much before a computer without spending time on outside activities can cause hunchback phenomenon and even overweight, stress and pressure. Secondly, working on computers may bring about distraction and laziness. Due to a wide range of gimmicks on games, applications by advertisers, users can be attracted and may neglect their work with ease. They may become addicted to fascinating content on the Internet leads to resort to computers abusingly. When it has become a habit of users, they may be less intent on working. As a result, greatly using computer may create a lazy working style at own individual. Last but not least, using computer to work can have negative effects on children’s social skills. Working with a computer means that users won’t have opportunities to work with their partners, colleagues, boss, … in real conditions. All the jobs have completed by the Internet, so they can’t have a chance to improve their soft skills like communication, co-operation and other significant ones. In conclusion, children may be under the onslaught of depending hugely on making use of computers to work. Hopefully, the use of this device will be adequately supervised and be done limited by users.
Due to the successful development of technology, our society has a great process of improving social life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believed that the invention of computers would have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
However
, from my perspective, spending too much time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
on computers may bring lots of disadvantages.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, computers can take
variously
side effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users’
health. When using a long time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on computers,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may be
seriously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
on eyesight and posture. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take eye-to-eye with the screen for long hours, and their eyes
directly
contact with green light lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
eye problems like short-sighted, cataract, dried and tired eyes.
Moreover
, sitting too much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a computer without spending time on outside activities can cause hunchback phenomenon and even overweight,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and pressure.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
on computers may bring about distraction and laziness. Due to a wide range of gimmicks on games, applications by advertisers,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
can
be attracted
and may neglect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
. They may become addicted to fascinating content on the Internet leads to resort to computers
Possible spelling mistake found.
abusingly
. When it has become a habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
, they may be less intent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
As a result
,
greatly
using computer may create a lazy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
style at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
individual.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, using computer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
with a computer means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
won’t have opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with their partners, colleagues, boss, … in real conditions. All the jobs have completed by the Internet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can’t have a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like communication, co-operation and other significant ones.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may be under the onslaught of depending
hugely
on making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Hopefully
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of this device will be
adequately
supervised and
be done
limited by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
.
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IELTS essay Topic 17: Write a paragraph of about 200-250 words to express you opinion in the following topic: “Some people say that children spending much time working on computers is actually good preparation for their education and their working lives”.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
311 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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