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TOEFL ESSAY Do you agree or disagree with the following statement Subjects such as art music and drama should be a part of every child s basic education

TOEFL ESSAY Subjects such as art music and drama should be a part of every child s basic education e58eV
Students who under classroom teaching or better still formal education are open to different fields of life that may help them in the nearest future. The prompt avert that some subjects like art, music, and drama be included in the syllabus of younger students. I strongly agree to the above statement because of three reasons. First of all, having children study subjects such as: music and art would provide the kids with easy career choice in life. For instance, base on my experience, I was privilege to attend a school that offered subjects where music was thought. Through out my stay in that school, I had already concluded that I was going into music because, I knew that the classes I have attend had open me up to becoming more musically incline. Having, such an opportunity, has made it easier for me to make final decision to chose my career at a very tender age. Secondly, it helps students to build sense of self confidence. For instance, the surrounding where I come from has made so much so that children are open to inferiority complex because of lack of self confidence. But, being able to attend to some classes that offers us variety of chooses in different fields, has made possible that some us having grown out of lack of self esteem to being more enlightened. And it was as a result of offering subject like drama; in it were directed and told by the teacher that we can actually attend our potentials in so far as we keep to our dreams in life. That has really been helpful and an eye opener to most of us who attend that school. Thirdly, it has help improve our society. This because, many of us who were coming in from poor homes have fewer chance of making impact to our community. But with us offering subjects that different we learnt to build innovative ideas that has helped cave out poverty and lack of job opportunity. To conclude, I strongly agree that students should offer subjects in different areas because of the above reasons given that it would help the society and students at the long run.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
who under classroom teaching or better
still
formal education are open to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
fields of life that may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them in the nearest future. The prompt avert that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like art,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, and drama
be included
in the syllabus of younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to the above statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of three reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, having children study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and art would provide the kids with easy career choice in life.
For instance
, base on my experience, I was privilege to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
a school that offered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
.
Did you mean "throughout"?
Through out
my stay in that school, I had already concluded that I was going into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, I knew that the classes I have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
had
Possible agreement error – use past participle here: "opened".
open
me up to becoming more
musically
incline. Having, such an opportunity, has made it easier for me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
final decision to chose my career at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tender age.

Secondly
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to build sense of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self confidence
.
For instance
, the surrounding where I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from has made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that children are open to inferiority complex
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self confidence
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, being able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
classes that offers us variety of chooses in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
fields, has made possible that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
us having grown out of lack of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self esteem
to being more enlightened. And it was
as a result
of offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
like drama; in it
were directed
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
by the teacher that we can actually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
our potentials in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far as we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
to our dreams in life. That has
really
been helpful and an
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
eye opener
to most of us who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
that school.

Thirdly
, it has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our society. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of us who were coming in from poor homes have fewer chance of making impact to our community.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
with us offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
we
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
to build innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
that has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
cave out poverty and lack of job opportunity.

To conclude
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the above reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that it would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the society and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
at the long run.
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IELTS essay TOEFL ESSAY Subjects such as art music and drama should be a part of every child s basic education

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
364 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • TOEFL ESSAY Do you agree or disagree with the following statement Subjects such as art music and drama should be a part of every child s basic education