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Extreme sports like skiing, rafting, diving should be banned. Agree or disagree?

Extreme sports like skiing, rafting, diving should be banned. Agree or disagree? OVEgM
For some people, extreme sports are seemed as a job. They need to practice such sports for living. However, others have those sports as hobbies. They like to adventure it does no matter how dangerous the sport may be. In my opinion, skiing, rafting, diving, and other extreme sports ought not to be banned because they are ways to keep healthy, to make money and to retrieve strains in life and feel pleasure. First of all, people practice skiing to make money. It is the only way they have to survive. They attend championship with other highly trained players and do their best so as to win competitions. Therefore, they must be involved in as many tournaments as they can in order to make a lot of money for living. Moreover, other people realize extreme sports as hobbies. These sports are taken to mitigate people's problem. I remember when I was at college, I used to practice a lot of diving. First because it helped me to ditch college drawbacks and second because it made me to acquire more information about my study field, hence I delved into the marine biology. Furthermore, practicing dangerous sports helps to preserve our body. As we work out as many time as possible, we can maintain the body healthiness. Finally, instead of being banned, sports must be require for everyone due to the fact that not only are they a money like way, but they are also health and pleasure ways.
For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are seemed
as a job. They need to practice such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
for living.
However
, others have those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as hobbies. They like to adventure it does no matter how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
may be. In my opinion, skiing, rafting, diving, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
ought not to
be banned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
healthy, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and to retrieve strains in life and feel pleasure.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
practice skiing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. It is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
survive. They attend championship with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
highly
trained players and do their best
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
win competitions.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be involved
in as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tournaments as they can in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for living.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
realize extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as hobbies. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are taken
to mitigate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's problem. I remember when I was at college, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to practice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
diving.
First
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me to ditch college drawbacks and second
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it made me to acquire more information about my study field,
hence
I delved into the marine biology.

Furthermore
, practicing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to preserve our body. As we work out as
Possible agreement error. The noun time seems to be countable; consider using: "many times".
many time
as possible, we can maintain the body healthiness.

Finally
,
instead
of
being banned
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
Consider using the past participle "required"?
require
for everyone due to the fact that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
are they a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are
also
health and pleasure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
.
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IELTS essay Extreme sports like skiing, rafting, diving should be banned. Agree or disagree?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
247 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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