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Today, the majority of children are raised by their grandparents due to the fact that their parents are busy working. To what extent do you think it affects the whole family?

Today, the majority of children are raised by their grandparents due to the fact that their parents are busy working. pwOL
Nowadays, the most of the children are taken care by grandparents. Although this trend also contribute towards the developments of children, but I still that would be better when the children are brought up by both their parents and grandparents. On the one hand, there are a number of advantages towards the whole family when the younger live with their grandparents. First, by taking care of the children of grandfathers and grandmothers, the parents would have peace of mind, therefore they would totally concentrate the careers. For example, if they do not have the depression of children's issues, they would have the opportunities to focus time, effort on their careers, which is environment conductive to increase their salary. Second, since the grandparents usually have more free time to teach some moral lessons and family's history, which helps the grandchildren to build the moral compass from an early age. As a result, if the parents take the main responsibilities, they tend to use TVs as baby-sisters, and the children can become couch potatoes. On the other hand, a period of totally living with grandfathers and grandmothers leads to some drawbacks. The huge disadvantage is that most of them tend to be overindulgent, the babies would become the naughty people, which affects directly their development. Furthermore the children lose their grandparents when there are growing and hence can result in the health problems because these make them feel lonely and they can find it difficult to connect with their parents. For instance, they can face the issues related to mental health such as depression at the early age, therefore the attention and affection of fathers and mothers are a vital importance. In conclusion, the babies should be taken care with their grandparents and parents. This would trend to some above-mentioned benefits towards not only fathers and mother but also babies.
Nowadays, the most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are taken
care by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
. Although this trend
also
contribute towards the developments of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
still
that would be better when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are brought
up by both their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and grandparents.

On the one hand, there are a number of advantages towards the whole family when the younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
.
First
, by taking care of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of grandfathers and grandmothers, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
would have peace of mind,
therefore
they would
totally
concentrate the careers.
For example
, if they do not have the depression of children's issues, they would have the opportunities to focus time, effort on their careers, which is environment conductive to increase their salary. Second, since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
usually
have more free time to teach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
moral lessons and family's history, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the grandchildren to build the moral compass from an early age.
As a result
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
take the main responsibilities, they tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
TVs as baby-sisters, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can become couch potatoes.

On the other hand
, a period of
totally
living with grandfathers and grandmothers leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks. The huge disadvantage is that most of them tend to be overindulgent, the babies would become the naughty
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which affects
directly
their development.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
lose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
when there are growing and
hence
can result in the health problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lonely and
they can find it difficult to connect with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
For instance
, they can face the issues related to mental health such as depression at the early age,
therefore
the attention and affection of fathers and mothers are a vital importance.

In conclusion
, the babies should
be taken
care with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. This would trend to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
above-mentioned benefits towards not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
fathers and mother
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
babies.
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IELTS essay Today, the majority of children are raised by their grandparents due to the fact that their parents are busy working.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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