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Today due to advanced medicine, people are living longer. Therefore, the number of elders is expected to exceed that of young people. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Today due to advanced medicine, people are living longer. Therefore, the number of elders is expected to exceed that of young people. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? kYbR2
Healthcare is a fundamental need for the citizens of the country being by physical and psychological. Government has spent money by budget for medical research and vaccines. With the advancement of medical care, people now live longer and the improvement of healthcare and their expectancy is increasing. This advancement outweighs the disadvantages. Out of all reasons, it is true that with the advancement of science technology, the improvement of health and the country have fewer death cases of fetal diseases and that ratio is decreasing. The invention of vaccines can do everything for that. For example now our world is suffering from coronavirus so we have no medicines as well as vaccines are not available so the death rate is increasing. The longer life expectancy let the grandparents spend more time with their grandchild. They shared knowledge and value of culture and tradition. So the longer life is a symbol of the development of the country. On controversy, it is true that the government can not survive for food production and poverty. When the people live long they refuse to retire at an early age there-upon unemployment rate is increasing in the young generation. So many new graduates are not able to get new job because old people have experienced and got positions in their job. Government has spent numerous amounts of money after retirement of pansion. In my reaction, longer life expectancy is increasing but outweigh also. Life is a precious thing in the world and the government should spend more money in healthcare anyway possible.
Healthcare is a fundamental need for the citizens of the country being by physical and psychological.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
has spent money by budget for medical research and vaccines. With the advancement of medical care,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
and the improvement of healthcare and their expectancy is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
. This advancement outweighs the disadvantages.

Out of all reasons, it is true that with the advancement of science technology, the improvement of health and the country have fewer death cases of fetal diseases and that ratio is decreasing. The invention of vaccines can do everything for that.
For example
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
our world is suffering from coronavirus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we have no medicines
as well
as vaccines are not available
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the death rate is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
the grandparents spend more time with their grandchild. They shared knowledge and value of culture and tradition.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is a symbol of the development of the country.

On controversy, it is true that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can not survive for food production and poverty.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
long they refuse to retire at an early age there-upon unemployment rate is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
in the young generation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new graduates are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
new job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have experienced and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
positions in their job.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
has spent numerous amounts of money after retirement of
Possible spelling mistake found.
pansion
.

In my reaction,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
outweigh
also
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Life
is a precious thing in the world and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should spend more money in healthcare anyway possible.
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IELTS essay Today due to advanced medicine, people are living longer. Therefore, the number of elders is expected to exceed that of young people. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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