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this is a story that I wont about wa, first few paragraphs

this is a story that I wont about wa, first few paragraphs kWOyO
Eli looked at himself in the mirror. Balancing his heavy steel helmet on his head, making sure his uniform and tie were perfectly even. He wanted to look his best to be a hero after all. Eli was going to save the world, after the civil war began when he was thirteen; he wanted to finally make a world safe to live in. The young man knew the reason for the civil war and knew how to stop it, the Council of Civil Liberties. Eli walked out of his barracks in his shiny black boots, and clocked into his shift. His unit was ordered to defend the checkpoint on a major road into a village believed to be targeted by the CCL. The checkpoint was on a curved road leading into the village surrounded by woodlands, next to their checkpoint was a cairn of rocks that used to hold a welcome sign. One day, their unit was going to go through the village to officially establish a government in the village. Once the threat of CCL invasion was no longer a concern, and he dreamed of the day. Crowds cheering for him, welcoming him into the village for protecting them. There would be children on lampposts waving to him and his unit and sitting on their parents shoulders cheering him on, there would be women trying to kiss him and hug him, people throwing roses and flowers to him and people thanking him and giving him food. He was happy to be helping people, making a difference. The day was like any other, Eli sat in a booth watching cameras and twenty or so soldiers guarded the road, sometimes more. So-called Humanitarian groups would show up and try to get behind the checkpoint but they were never really an issue, they weren’t violent so they could be turned away quite easily.
Eli looked at himself in the mirror. Balancing his heavy steel helmet on his head, making sure his uniform and tie were
perfectly
even. He wanted to look his best to be a hero
after all
. Eli was going to save the world, after the civil war began when he was thirteen; he wanted to
finally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a world safe to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in. The young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
knew the reason for the civil war and knew how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
it, the Council of Civil Liberties.

Eli walked out of his barracks in his shiny black boots, and clocked into his shift. His unit
was ordered
to defend the checkpoint on a major road into a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
village
believed to
be targeted
by the CCL. The checkpoint was on a curved road leading into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
village
surrounded by woodlands,
next
to their checkpoint was a cairn of rocks that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to hold a welcome
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
.

One day, their unit was going to go through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
village
to
officially
establish a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
village
. Once the threat of CCL invasion was no longer a concern, and he dreamed of the day. Crowds cheering for him, welcoming him into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
village
for protecting them. There would be children on lampposts waving to him and his unit and sitting on their parents shoulders cheering him on, there would be women trying to kiss him and hug him,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
throwing roses and flowers to him and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
thanking him and giving him food. He was happy to be helping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, making a difference.

The day was like any other, Eli sat in a booth watching cameras and twenty or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
soldiers guarded the road,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
-called Humanitarian groups would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
up and try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
behind the checkpoint
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they were never
really
an issue, they weren’t violent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they could
be turned
away quite
easily
.
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IELTS essay this is a story that I wont about wa, first few paragraphs

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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