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These days, young children attention using mobile phones and it has a negative impact on children's behavior. Do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

These days, young children attention using mobile phones and it has a negative impact on children's behavior. with this opinion? xg2Nb
Nowadays juveniles spend a lot of time to use mobile phones And this is bring more drawbacks to the children. And I would like to explain why I think that in this essay. Firstly, children should have mobile phones to study and entertainment. In addition, children will be curious about other toxic websites on the internet and it isn't good for them. Besides using mobile phone can affect children's health. For example, your sons or daughters just stays at home and uses their mobile phone instead of going out and enjoying outdoor activities. This is influences the child's weight as well as the creativity of the child. Secondly, parents don't attention their's kids. They are overwork and prefer to work than take care of their's children. Moreover, the children will have socially deviant thoughts if they don't have properly raised by parents. For example, parents go to work and they provide their's chilren mobile phones for them to play on theirs own. This makes the juveniles feel lonely and gives the opportunities for bad websites on the Internet to influence their's thinking and behavior. Many children can become violent when they watch inconsonant videos or posts on the Internet in their's mobile phones. To sum up, mobile phones have more advantages. Nevertheless, It has many issues as well as heavily affects children's thinking and behavior. Parents should pay more attention to their childrens.
Nowadays juveniles spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
And this is
Consider using a past participle here: "brought".
bring
more drawbacks to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. And I would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that in this essay.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should have mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to study and entertainment.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will be curious about other toxic websites on the internet and it isn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for them.
Besides
using mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
can affect children's health.
For example
, your sons or daughters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
stays at home and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
their mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
instead
of going out and enjoying outdoor activities. This is influences the child's weight
as well
as the creativity of the child.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
don't attention
Did you mean "their" or "theirs"?
their's
kids. They are overwork and prefer to
Use "worker" to make a comparison with this adjective.
work
than take care of
Did you mean "their" or "theirs"?
their's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will have
socially
deviant thoughts if they don't have
properly
raised by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
go to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
work and
they provide
Did you mean "their" or "theirs"?
their's
Possible spelling mistake found.
chilren
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for them to play on theirs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the juveniles feel lonely and gives the opportunities for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
websites on the Internet to influence
Did you mean "their" or "theirs"?
their's
thinking and behavior.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can become violent when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
Possible spelling mistake found.
inconsonant
videos or posts on the Internet in
Did you mean "their" or "theirs"?
their's
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. To sum up, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have more advantages.
Nevertheless
, It has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues
as well
as
heavily
affects children's thinking and behavior.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should pay more attention to their
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
.
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IELTS essay These days, young children attention using mobile phones and it has a negative impact on children's behavior. with this opinion?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
233 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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