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These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development? v.4

These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development? v. 4
It is true that there has been an increasing number of female Breadmakers appears in the society leaves their male partner to raise their kids. I think fathers have their right to choose to stay home and raise their kids. On the one hand, I agree that fathers stay at home and babysitting their kids can bring two detrimental effects. We cannot deny the existence of stereotypes that men should be the ones to support their family or others may think less of you. For example, there are so many Hollywood movies are telling about the story that the main actors get dumped due to their lack of abilities to make money. Moreover, women are more suitable for taking care of kids due to their maternal instinct. Men are generally lacking of patience, especially on babysitting compare to women, which can lead to the depression of kids. On the other hand, I argue that men should have the right to choose what they want to do, either staying at home or working outside. Even though people have been talking about gender equalities and women’s empowerment for years, few people can embrace this idea in their deepest hearts. In this case, we are not discussing about whether fathers should stay at home or not; we are talking about if we can accept the idea that women are dominant in their families comparing to men. Since the 20th century, there are more and more women in power, and they are doing a good job in general which can prove that women should have equal opportunities with men. In addition, men have their birthright to choose their life path which shows the progress of society. Thus I believe the benefits brought by fathers stay at home and babysit their children overweight the disadvantages.
It is true that there has been an increasing number of female
Possible spelling mistake found.
Breadmakers
appears in the society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
their male partner to raise their kids. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
have their right to choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
home and raise their kids.

On the one hand, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
at home and babysitting their kids can bring two detrimental effects. We cannot deny the existence of stereotypes that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
should be the ones to support their family or others may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
less of you.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Hollywood movies are telling about the story that the main actors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
dumped due to their lack of abilities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are more suitable for taking care of kids due to their maternal instinct.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Men
are
generally
lacking of patience,
especially
on babysitting compare to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, which can lead to the depression of kids.

On the other hand
, I argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
should have the right to choose what they want to do, either staying at home or working outside.
Even though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have been talking about gender
Possible spelling mistake found.
equalities
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
empowerment for years, few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can embrace this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
in their deepest hearts.
In this case
, we are not
Did you mean simply "discussing whether"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discussing about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
at home or not; we are talking about if we can accept the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are dominant in their families comparing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. Since the 20th century, there are more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in power, and they are doing a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job
in general
which can prove that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should have equal opportunities with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
have their birthright to choose their life path which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the progress of society.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
I believe the benefits brought by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fathers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
at home and babysit their children overweight the disadvantages.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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