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These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development? v.2

These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development? v. 2
Nowadays, it has become a controversial debate about why fathers choose to stay at home a look after their children, while mothers have to go to the work. In my opinion, this phenomenon happened because of more job opportunities and the traditional idea about women changed in modern society. On the one hand, some people claim that woman's mind are more efficient and more clever about job difficulties. for instance, in the UK, they investigated on 700 mothers whom work and their husband stay at home, and finally it revealed that they have more commitment to the projects and also they can think faster. furthermore, it could be a turning point for women to prove themselves, that they are able to become a leader and have major responsibilities in our world. So, it would be a great philosophy that women work outside instead of men. on the other hand, some people mention that ladies work outside and leaving the children with their father could lead to some bad behaviour from the children which could influence in his adulthood. besides that, we all agree that mother has some duty against his child and it could not be fulfilled by his father. for example, a mother's love is something you cannot get from others and their presence could be felt by children. So, we cannot ignore the importance of mother's presence for the children and it cannot be satisfied by fathers. In conclusion, I think we should agree that our world changed toward more jobs and also more payment for the women, so we should get used to it and try to adapt our mindset for it.
Nowadays, it has become a controversial debate about why fathers choose to stay at home a look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, while mothers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. In my opinion, this phenomenon happened
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of more job opportunities and the traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in modern society.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that woman's mind are more efficient and more clever about job difficulties.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
instance, in the UK, they investigated on 700 mothers whom
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and their husband stay at home, and
finally
it revealed that they have more commitment to the projects and
also
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
faster.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
furthermore
, it could be a turning point for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to prove themselves, that they are able to become a leader and have major responsibilities in our world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it would be a great philosophy that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
outside
instead
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
on
the other hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
mention that ladies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
outside and leaving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with their father could lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which could influence in his adulthood.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
besides
that, we all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that mother has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
duty against his child and it could not
be fulfilled
by his father.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
example, a mother's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
is something you cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from others and their presence could
be felt
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the importance of mother's presence for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and it cannot
be satisfied
by fathers.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that our world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
toward more jobs and
also
more payment for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to it and try to adapt our mindset for it.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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