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These days many people leave their country to work abroad and take their family with them. v.5

These days many people leave their country to work abroad and take their family with them. v. 5
The recent developments in the term called "Globalization" have rendered people with numerous opportunities. The world has become a small village from a big planet called earth. With these changes, more and more people are opting to work in foreign territories along with their families. This approach is considered to be beneficial according to some people in terms of family relationships. While others argue that it can lead to some negative effects and therefore they should not bring their families. Therefore, in order to decide that which approach is beneficial, we will analyse both sides. To begin with, not taking your family members with you can have many adverse effects. First of all, it can become a hindrance as regards to building strong relationships. For instance, if your family is not living with you, the distance can weaken the relationship. It may even end up in separation as some people cannot bear long distance relationships. Secondly, it can put extra financial burden on the families. In exemplification, it is often seen that persons living and working in abroad can share their accommodations with others and hence have to pay lesser rents. On the other hand, if families are taken, then they have to rent an entire house. This can be especially burdensome in case a person has a big family. Finally, the members of the family have to face several problems in an alien country. Exemplifying that, it is often observed that children and older people have to experience cultural shocks and language barriers when they migrate to a new country. Similarly, this practice can facilitate one with multiple facilities. First and foremost is that it can be really helpful in case a person feels homesick. Having your loved ones near to you can bring you emotional support and it will also help us to strengthen our bonds. What is more, a person can become financially strong. As having more members mean higher income. Last but not least, it will be truly helpful for the children because they need the love and care of both parents and this age needs to be emphasised more. Also, they can get a better education and work opportunity by living in a developed country. At last, it can be concluded that both approaches have pros and cons in relation to family matters. I personally believe that the choice should be left for the person to decide. If he is financially capable of shouldering the responsibility, then taking the blood relatives is the best choice. And if he is unable to do so, it is better to go alone initially. However, the family should be called as soon as possible.
The recent developments in the term called
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Globalization
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
have rendered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with numerous opportunities. The world has become a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
village from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
planet called earth. With these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are opting to work in foreign territories along with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. This approach
is considered
to be beneficial according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
. While others argue that it can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects and
therefore
they should not bring their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
Therefore
, in order to decide that which approach is beneficial, we will
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
both sides.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, not taking your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members with you can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adverse effects.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it can become a hindrance as regards to building strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
.
For instance
, if your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is not living with you, the distance can weaken the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
. It may even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in separation as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot bear long distance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
.
Secondly
, it can put extra financial burden on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. In exemplification, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
living and working in abroad can share their accommodations with others and
hence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay lesser rents.
On the other hand
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are taken
, then they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
rent an entire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. This can be
especially
burdensome in case a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Finally
, the members of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face several problems in an alien country. Exemplifying that, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
observed that children and older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
experience cultural shocks and language barriers when they migrate to a new country.

Similarly
, this practice can facilitate one with multiple facilities.
First
and foremost is that it can be
really
helpful in case a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
feels homesick. Having your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones near to you can bring you emotional support and it will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to strengthen our bonds.
What is more
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can become
financially
strong.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
having more members mean higher income. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, it will be
truly
helpful for the children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they need the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and care of both parents and this age needs to be
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasised' is British English.
emphasised
more.
Also
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better education and work opportunity by living in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed country
.

At last, it can
be concluded
that both approaches have pros and cons in relation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
matters. I
personally
believe that the choice should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to decide. If he is
financially
capable of shouldering the responsibility, then taking the blood relatives is the best choice. And if he is unable to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, it is better to go alone
initially
.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
should
be called
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay These days many people leave their country to work abroad and take their family with them. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
445 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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