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these days children spend a large amount of time playing video games and other sedenary activities which leads to obesity amoung children. discuss factors and give solutions?

these days children spend a large amount of time playing video games and other sedenary activities which leads to obesity amoung children. discuss factors and give solutions? KV8Ow
Nowadays, children utilize most of their time playing electronic games and doing indoor activities which results in rising obesity level among children in an early age. This essay will explore how unawareness and lesser facilities for outdoor activities are the main root causes of this concern, and how through government policies n terms of awareness campaign and provision of facilities, this problem can be curtailed to a large extent. To begin with, there are multiple reasons behind this menace. Firstly, children are usually not aware of the importance of physical fitness and health. As children in their childhood only less to enjoy despite of the side effects. This fact can be better explained with the example of a survey conducted by the University of Water Loo, Australia, which revealed that among 60 % of the obese children about 48 % are due to unawareness. Secondly, another reason behind this problem may be the low level of outdoor parks and places for physical exercises. As no or fewer facilities do not attract children to spend their time doing extracurricular in the open air. Take an example of Tripoli, Libya, which is one of the lower-ranked countries due to the lack of facilities and at the same time one of the top 5 which has a higher ratio of obesity among children. Thus, not knowing much about physical health and no outdoor parks can be the fueling force behind this issue. However, there are certain viable measures that can be taken to curb this problem. The primary solution believes would be to organize and start campaigns by the authorities. due to this step youth will get to know about the strength and benefits of staying fit and doing outdoor activities. Take an example of Maria Sharapova, a famous tennis star, once in an interview revealed that she was overweight and addicted to gadgets till she saw a documentary which helped her realize her about the physical importance. Furthermore, the government in order to improve and promote outdoor activities has to work in order to improve parks and play grounds. Take an example of Japan, which has a lesser obesity level just because of their priorities towards the betterment of parks and outdoor places. To sum up, even though less awareness and lack of outdoor facilities are the causes behind the rising obesity level but, I believe that these problems can be settled by implementing strict policies in order to provide awareness and facilities both.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
utilize most of their time playing electronic games and doing indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which results in rising obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in an early age. This essay will explore how unawareness and lesser facilities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are the main root causes of this concern, and how through
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
policies n terms of awareness campaign and provision of facilities, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
can
be curtailed
to a large extent.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are multiple reasons behind this menace.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
usually
not aware of the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
fitness and health. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in their childhood
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
less to enjoy
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
the side effects. This fact can be better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
of a survey conducted by the University of Water Loo, Australia, which revealed that among 60 % of the obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about 48 % are due to unawareness.
Secondly
, another reason behind this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
may be the low
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
and places for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercises. As
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
or fewer facilities do not attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to spend their time doing extracurricular in the open air. Take an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
of Tripoli, Libya, which is one of the lower-ranked countries due to the lack of facilities and at the same time one of the top 5 which has a higher ratio of obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Thus
, not knowing much about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
health and no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
can be the fueling force behind this issue.

However
, there are certain viable measures that can
be taken
to curb this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. The primary solution believes would be to organize and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
campaigns by the authorities.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
due
to this step youth will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know about the strength and benefits of staying fit and doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. Take an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
of Maria
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sharapova
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
tennis star, once in an interview revealed that she was overweight and addicted to gadgets till she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a documentary which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
her realize her about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
importance.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
and promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
work in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
and play grounds. Take an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
of Japan, which has a lesser obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their priorities towards the betterment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
places.

To sum up,
even though
less awareness and lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
facilities are the causes behind the rising obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, I believe that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
can
be settled
by implementing strict policies in order to provide awareness and facilities both.
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IELTS essay these days children spend a large amount of time playing video games and other sedenary activities which leads to obesity amoung children. discuss factors and give solutions?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
412 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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