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There has been an increasing debate as to whether children should be encouraged to participate in organised group activities or they should be free to choose their activities on their own in their free time.

There has been an increasing debate as to whether children should be encouraged to participate in organised group activities or they should be free to choose their activities on their own in their free time. In this essay, I will shed some light on both the views and give my opinion. To begin with, organised group activities allow children to socialize with people in their immediate vicinity. Children learn to interact with the people in their society. To illustrate this, one can organise picnic among familieswhich will give enough room for children to socialize. Additionally, children learn various team building activities like working in a group competing with their peers, coping up with pressure etc. Furthermore, children learn the right attitude from being in a group. On the other hand, children should be independent in choosing their activities in their free time. This gives the freedom of thought and children learn to take up challenges and responsibilities. However, there is a possibility that certain children take up wrong routes. Due to technological advancements, children are more prone to playing video games, socializing themselves on the internet. This will detach them from their immediate social circle. Children can be given freedom of thought, but adult supervision is necessary to ensure that they do not take wrong path. In conclusion, having considered both the views, I think an organised group activity is more beneficial for children. Children are the future of society and their nurturing can not be ignored.
There has been an increasing debate
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be encouraged
to participate in
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
activities or
they should be free to choose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
in their free time. In this essay, I will shed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on both the views and give my opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to socialize with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in their immediate vicinity.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to interact with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in their society. To illustrate this, one can
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
picnic among
Possible spelling mistake found.
familieswhich
will give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
room for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to socialize.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
various team building
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like working in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
competing with their peers, coping up with pressure etc.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the right attitude from being in a group.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be independent in choosing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in their free time. This gives the freedom of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to take up challenges and responsibilities.
However
, there is a possibility that certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
take up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
routes. Due to technological advancements,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more prone to playing video games, socializing themselves on the internet. This will detach them from their immediate social circle.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
freedom of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
adult supervision is necessary to ensure that they do not take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
path.

In conclusion
, having considered both the views, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is more beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are the future of society and their nurturing can not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.
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IELTS essay There has been an increasing debate as to whether children should be encouraged to participate in organised group activities or they should be free to choose their activities on their own in their free time.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
247 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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