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There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays? EBAb
Music is a language which can understand by any living creature on earth where as humans created numerous variety of music by which we had opportunity choose what type of music we listen. As per my point of view differentiating between two kind of music is not what I believe, both international or traditional music have their own sense of belongingness. Music calm your mind, it helps to release stress from your brain. There are many therapies which helped by music for our inner peace directed by world’s top ivy league therapist. Every music tells its own story, their culture, beliefs its not right to designate or categorise any form of music. Now days society is more aware they know what they want to listen and according me to listening music is individual choice we cannot force anyone to listen specific music. Here in India people know the value and taste of their regional music, in every state we have different avatar of music on the other hand we welcome international artists with different pattern I personally listen all kind of music be it our Bollywood, Punjabi, Rajasthani or from international music waka waka by Shakira to J Cole music is something comes from soul and also created by lots of dedication and hard work. With my perspective giving importance to particular music without any liking or just for demeaning it one should not like or dislike on these parameters. To conclude every music is important its up to the people and country to preserve and carry forward there music and culture with the sense of acceptance.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
is a language which can understand by any living creature on earth
Did you mean "whereas"?
where as
humans created numerous variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
by which we had opportunity choose what type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
. As per my point of view differentiating between two
Possible agreement error. The noun 'kind' seems to be countable, so consider using: "kinds".
kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not what I believe, both international or traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
sense of
Possible spelling mistake found.
belongingness
.

Music calm your mind, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to release
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from your brain. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
therapies which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
for our inner peace directed by world’s top ivy league therapist. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tells
its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
story, their culture, beliefs its not right to designate or
Possible spelling mistake. 'categorise' is British English.
categorise
any form of music.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
society is more aware they know what they want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
and
It appears that a preposition is missing after 'according'.
according me
to listening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is individual choice we cannot force anyone to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. Here in India
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
know the value and taste of their regional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, in every state we have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
avatar of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
on the other hand
we welcome international artists with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
pattern

I
personally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
listen
all kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
be it our Bollywood, Punjabi,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Rajasthani
or from international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
Possible typo: you repeated a word
waka waka
by Shakira to J Cole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is something
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from soul and
also
created by lots of dedication and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work. With my perspective giving importance to particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
without any liking or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for demeaning it one should not like or dislike on these parameters.

To conclude
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
up to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and country to preserve and carry forward there
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and culture with the sense of acceptance.
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IELTS essay There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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