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There are fewer and fewer employment opportunitues for graduates entering the job market and this will have serious implications for hight education. v.2

There are fewer and fewer employment opportunitues for graduates entering the job market and this will have serious implications for hight education. v. 2
Although it is impossible to argue with the facts provided in the first half of the statement, it remains questionable whether higher education is going to be under threat due to the decrease in job positions on offer. Nonetheless, various measurements will have to be taken to encourage more entry level vacancies available for students who have recently left university. The explanation for this acute shortage in the job market lies within the overpopulation of the planet. In other words, there are more people than ever before whereas job opportunities have not risen at the same rate. Worse yet, employers tend to hold on to their employees even when they might be growing old, causing those positions to be held from being on offer. Thus forcing the workforce to compete over what few roles that may exist. However, if we are to discuss how appealing pursuing a degree might become in light of the scarcity of employment, the relationship couldn’t be as simple and direct as it may seem at first glance. A lot of students follow their passion when choosing a course, that is enough proof for me to believe that finding a job at the end is not the only reason for taking on the path of higher education but fundamentally there is a love and enthusiasm for doing it as well. Additionally, graduate jobs compared to other ones have considerably higher salaries which by itself can attract many people towards universities. A third point is that the prestige of having a university diploma or a Phd can be a powerful factor to increase student enrolment. Then again, more and more people are setting off building their own business instead of trying to find someone to work for. Certainly, finishing a course in university provides one with plenty of knowledge enhancing the possibility of success. Additionally those who cannot find a job immediately after finishing their education have the choice of freelancing to acquire enough experience that would qualify them for certain jobs. To sum up, studying intensively in university has an abundance of advantages and it is a pleasant experience by itself. Therefore, the drop in the job market will not have a massive effect on the trends of students in higher education.
Although it is impossible to argue with the facts provided in the
first
half of the statement, it remains questionable whether higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is going to be under threat due to the decrease in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
positions on offer. Nonetheless, various measurements will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be taken
to encourage more entry level vacancies available for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who have recently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
university.

The explanation for this acute shortage in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market lies within the overpopulation of the planet.
In other words
, there are more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities have not risen at the same rate. Worse
yet
, employers tend to hold on to their employees even when they might be growing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, causing those positions to
be held
from being on offer.
Thus
forcing the workforce to compete over what few roles that may exist.

However
, if we are to discuss how appealing pursuing a degree might become in light of the scarcity of employment, the relationship couldn’t be as simple and direct as it may seem at
first
glance.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
follow their passion when choosing a course,
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
proof for me to believe that finding a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reason for taking on the path of higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
fundamentally
there is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and enthusiasm for doing it
as well
.
Additionally
, graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
compared to other ones have
considerably
higher salaries which by itself can attract
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. A third point is that the prestige of having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
diploma or a
The more common abbreviation of the term 'philosophiae doctor' is "PhD".
Phd
can be a powerful factor to increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
Possible spelling mistake. 'enrolment' is British English.
enrolment
.

Then again, more and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are setting off building their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business
instead
of trying to find someone to work for.
Certainly
, finishing a course in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
provides one with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of knowledge enhancing the possibility of success.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Additionally
those who cannot find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
immediately after finishing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
have the choice of freelancing to acquire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
experience that would qualify them for certain jobs.

To sum up, studying
intensively
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
has an abundance of advantages and it is a pleasant experience by itself.
Therefore
, the drop in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market will not have a massive effect on the trends of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay There are fewer and fewer employment opportunitues for graduates entering the job market and this will have serious implications for hight education. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
376 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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