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The world is changing day by day also the behaviour of the community. People used to have made a lot of connections with each other in the past, yet the technology

The world is changing day by day also the behaviour of the community. People used to have made a lot of connections with each other in the past, yet the technology gA5W7
The world is changing day by day also the behaviour of the community. People used to have made a lot of connections with each other in the past, yet the technology revolution came up. This caused the whole planet. The impact is everyone is busy with their daily routine and it led to a lack of connections. Therefore I strongly agree with the statement that nowadays society have less time compare to the past. To begin, I believe that the use of leisure hours in recent years has aided in maintaining the criticality of the community relationship. To elaborate, there was no advanced tech in the past. thus, direct interaction between individuals was the most appropriate method for sending messages and passing the free minutes. In the past, for example, individuals were more open with each other and eager to share information and make new friends than today's generation. Second, the previous population was able to avoid serious illnesses by spending their free time participating in outdoor activities. It is plain to see that today's generations are more engaged in indoor activities such as video games and watching television, which does not include any physical activities that will lead to health deterioration soon. On the other hand, in the past, men spent their free time participating in physical sports, gradually improving their physical stamina as well as their immune system. They were eventually able to prevent themselves from contracting any previously unknown disease. To illustrate, an eminent health worker from Sri Lanka demonstrated that more than 60% of former adults were able to maintain their health by spending their free time participating in outdoor games. To conclude, I would like to emphasize that prior citizens made better use of their leisure time than in the current situation. As a result of making better use of their time, they were able to improve their social stability through direct communication, in addition to avoiding serious sicknesses.
The world is changing day by day
also
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the community.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
connections with each other in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
,
yet
the technology revolution came up. This caused the whole planet. The impact is everyone is busy with their daily routine and it led to a lack of connections.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that nowadays society have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
compare to the past.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, I believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of leisure hours in recent years has aided in maintaining the criticality of the community relationship. To elaborate, there was no advanced tech in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
thus
, direct interaction between individuals was the most appropriate method for sending messages and passing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
minutes. In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
,
for example
, individuals were more open with each other and eager to share information and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generation.

Second, the previous population was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to avoid serious illnesses by spending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
participating in outdoor activities. It is plain to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generations are more engaged in indoor activities such as video games and watching television, which does not include any physical activities that will lead to health deterioration
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.
On the other hand
, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
spent their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
participating in physical sports,
gradually
improving their physical stamina
as well
as their immune system. They were
eventually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
themselves from contracting any previously unknown disease. To illustrate, an eminent health worker from Sri Lanka demonstrated that more than 60% of former adults were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to maintain their health by spending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
participating in outdoor games.

To conclude
, I would like to emphasize that prior citizens made better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
than in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
situation.
As a result
of making better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
able
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their social stability through direct communication,
in addition
to avoiding serious sicknesses.
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IELTS essay The world is changing day by day also the behaviour of the community. People used to have made a lot of connections with each other in the past, yet the technology

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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