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The use of the mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking

The use of the mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking 8doOk
Mobile phone has become indispensable to our life nowadays, to the extend that some people may be disabled without their phone for a single day. This is because it provides a lot of convenience to us including social networking, researching, navigating and etc. We are constantly being connected to the world with our phone and internet. However, like all other available technologies, there are pros and cons with using the mobile phone. Despite mobile device does connect us to the world via internet, it also make us pay less attention to our surrounding. We can often see children using mobile devices rather than interacting with others in a park. People shop at home instead of in the shopping mall. More typing than talking in daily life. All of these show there is less physical interaction between people. Smoking similarly is antisocial as it is not welcome by the society, especially when the health conscious is high at the modern world. Most places has restricted or no smoking area at all, since it is an unhealthy habit. Therefore, people who smoked is also being confined by the smoking area physically. As for the use of mobile phone, although we have no physically restriction while using the mobile phone but our mind is constraint to the small screen we have in our hand. This make us lose interest and focus to the events and people around us. It is undeniable that mobile has bring a lot of conveniences to our life, however we must not overlook its shortcomings as well. We must always moderate our usage of phone and spend some time with our surrounding.
Mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
has become indispensable to our life nowadays, to the
Did you mean "extent" ('extent' is a noun, 'extend' is a verb)?
extend
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
be disabled
without their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
for a single day. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
convenience to us including social networking, researching, navigating
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
. We are
constantly
being connected
to the world with our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and internet.
However
, like all other available technologies, there are pros and cons with using the mobile phone.

Despite mobile device does connect us to the world via internet, it
also
Did you mean "makes"?
make
us pay less attention to our surrounding. We can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
children using mobile devices
rather
than interacting with others in a park.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
shop at home
instead
of in the shopping mall. More typing than talking in daily life. All of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
there is less physical interaction between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Smoking
similarly
is antisocial as it is not welcome by the society,
especially
when the health conscious is high at the modern world. Most places has restricted or no smoking area at all, since it is an unhealthy habit.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who smoked is
also
being confined
by the smoking area
physically
. As for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
, although we have no
physically
restriction while using the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
our mind is constraint to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
screen we have in our hand. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us lose interest and focus to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around us.

It is undeniable that mobile has
Use past participle here: "brought".
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
conveniences to our life,
however
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not overlook its shortcomings
as well
. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
always moderate our usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time with our surrounding.

IELTS essay The use of the mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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