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The use of social media is replacing face to face interaction among many people in society. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

The use of social media is replacing face to face interaction among many people in society. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? 1DPW
In this 21st century, the use of social media is replacing face to face interaction among many people in society. Social media has become the most popular which is used by the many people of this generation. Hence, there are some of it advantages as well a disadvantages of it. To begin with the benefits of using social media is that people are getting ideas about the online services in which we can do shopping by staying at home as it saves our time. We can make new friends through internet like facebook, instagram, messenger, viber etc. Likewise we can get news from the different parts of our country a well a from the foreign country top. For instance, the condition of this pandemic covid-19 in all over the world can get the new from the internet. Secondly, there are some of the disadvantages of social media like people are spending more time on using it as they are not giving time on the outer world. Even if a child starts using social media or online game they cannot easily get off using there. Once people get addicted on using it is very difficult to get rid of these habit. Because of these online world people are not giving more time on other for the face to face interaction as it I making them from this near world. For instance, when a child starts to play a online game it is very difficult them to leave. In conclusion, people are giving more time on social media as they are using so carelessly so according to my point of view the advantages cannot outweigh the disadvantages.
In this 21st century, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
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social
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media
is replacing
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face
to
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face
interaction among
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many
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people
in society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
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media
has become the most popular which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the
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many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of this generation.
Hence
, there are
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some
of it advantages
as well
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a disadvantage" or simply "disadvantages"?
a disadvantages
of it.

To
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begin
with the benefits of using
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social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
services in which we can do shopping by staying at home as it saves our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends through internet like
Possible spelling mistake found.
facebook
,
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instagram
, messenger,
Possible spelling mistake found.
viber
etc.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Likewise
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
news from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
parts of our country a well a
Did you mean "form"?
from
the foreign country top.
For instance
, the condition of this pandemic
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
covid-19
in all over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the new from the internet.

Secondly
, there are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
disadvantages of
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social
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media
like
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people
are spending more
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time
on using it as they are not giving
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time
on the outer
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world
. Even if a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
using
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social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
game they cannot
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
off using there.
“Once” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Once
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people
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get
addicted on using it is
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very
difficult to
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get
rid of
Did you mean "this habit" or "these habits"?
these habit
.
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Because
of these
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online
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world
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people
are not giving more
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time
on other for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
interaction as it
Did you mean "I'm making", "I am making", or "I was making"?
I making
them from this near
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
For instance
, when a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to play
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
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online
game it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are giving more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
as they are using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
carelessly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
according to my point of view the advantages cannot outweigh the disadvantages.
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IELTS essay The use of social media is replacing face to face interaction among many people in society. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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