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The two pie charts below show some employment patterns in Great Britain in 1992. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The two pie charts below show some employment patterns in Great Britain in 1992.
These days most of the organisations are in a dilemma about which skill sets they need to look in an employee in order to hire them. While there has been a frequent discussion about whether to look at personal qualities or educational qualifications in an employee in spite of hiring them. Preferable it is most important to look more into personal attributes rather than experience factor. On one hand, some of the firms believe that one's own qualification and experience matter a lot and this would be their key determinants in hiring an employee. People's Qualification and experience give a clear, in-depth about a person's knowledge in that required field and his/her capabilities. For instance, in the mid 2008 when the recession took place, only companies which had more qualified accountants and experienced class sustained compared to other firms which lacked these two components. Hence, most skilled employees played a crucial role in state of emergency. On the other hand, personal qualities determine the intent of the employee and this factor influences some firms to rely on it while hiring a new employee. Personal qualities gives an essence of how they behave and also determines their code of conduct in an organisation. For example, one of my friend Ram has a very good work ethic and this helped his company to grow further more by his level of work. Few physical characteristics of humans lead to good results for the organisation. To conclude, although it is important to be skilled but it's also necessary to have fewer physical characters which gives a great balance to an individual. Moreover, there are a lot of people who are well qualified, but very few posses better physical characteristics. Hence, looking for a personal attribute in a new recruit can benefit the organisation in a much more effective way.
These days most of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
are in a dilemma about which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
sets they need to look in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
in order to hire them. While there has been a frequent discussion about whether to look at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
qualities or educational qualifications in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
hiring them. Preferable it is most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to look more into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
attributes
rather
than experience factor.

On one hand,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
firms believe that one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
qualification and experience matter a lot and this would be their key determinants in hiring an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's Qualification and experience give a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, in-depth about a person's knowledge in that required field and his/her capabilities.
For instance
, in the mid 2008 when the recession took place,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which had more qualified accountants and experienced
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
sustained compared to other firms which lacked these two components.
Hence
, most skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
played a crucial role in state of emergency.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
qualities determine the intent of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
and this factor influences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
firms to rely on it while hiring a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Personal
qualities gives an essence of how they behave and
also
determines their code of conduct in an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
.
For example
, one of my friend Ram has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
work ethic and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to grow
further
more by his level of work. Few physical characteristics of humans lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
results for the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
.

To conclude
, although it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
be skilled
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it's
also
necessary to have fewer physical characters which gives a great balance to an individual.
Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are well qualified,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few posses better physical characteristics.
Hence
, looking for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
attribute in a new recruit can benefit the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
in a much more effective way.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay The two pie charts below show some employment patterns in Great Britain in 1992.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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