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The tradition of families getting together to eat meals is disappearing. What are the reasons? What are the impacts? v.1

The tradition of families getting together to eat meals is disappearing. What are the reasons? What are the impacts? v. 1
It is true that recent years communication between family members has faded. There are several reasons that have influenced on relationship in families. There are many proofs to influence on family communications nowadays. Firstly, making possibly working outside of home for women sometimes make family away from each other and they do not able to have meals together. Secondly, technology makes virtual relationships between people. For example, many young people choose to make friends online and they prefer to spend their time with new online friends instead of family members. Finally, some young members of the family choose to live alone and want to be an independent, so it separates the family from each other. I think there are both positive and negative impacts on families. On one hand, having jobs for all family members helps the family economy and they can gather together one or two days in a week instead of the whole week for having dinner. Furthermore, when the members of the family are away from each other they have a lot of things to say to each other and it makes a memorable time for them. On the other hand, nowadays, we see some families notwithstanding, being together in a home but it just a physical presence. In many cases, unfortunately, internet has a negative effect on the relationship between members of the family specially for young members. In conclusion, I think that it is unrealistic to expect family members stay together forever. But they can gather some days in a week and make memorable times for others of their family.
It is true that recent
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "years'" or "year's"?
years
communication between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
has faded. There are several reasons that have influenced on relationship in families.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
proofs to influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
communications nowadays.
Firstly
, making
possibly
working outside of home for women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
away from each
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
other and
they do not able to have meals together.
Secondly
, technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
virtual relationships between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
friends
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
online and
they prefer to spend their time with new online friends
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
.
Finally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
alone and want to be an independent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it separates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
from each other.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. On one hand, having jobs for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
economy and
they can gather together one or two days in a week
instead
of the whole week for having dinner.
Furthermore
, when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
are away from each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things to say to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
a memorable time for them. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, nowadays, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
notwithstanding, being together in a home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a physical presence. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases, unfortunately, internet has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
specially
for young members.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is unrealistic to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
stay together forever.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they can gather
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
days in a week and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
memorable times for others of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The tradition of families getting together to eat meals is disappearing. What are the reasons? What are the impacts? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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