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The three charts below show the levels of participation in education and science in developing and industrialized countries in 1980 and 1990. v.1

The three charts below show the levels of participation in education and science in developing and industrialized countries in 1980 and 1990. v. 1
In the present century, various advertisements have generated a great deal of enthusiasm among people for self-employment. Many people are interested in working independently, while some still prefer to work for a government agency. In this essay, I intend to examine the main and important reasons for choosing self-employment and the problems and obstacles that may arise in this way. One of the significant reasons is to achieve economic privileges. When an entrepreneur launches a company or startup, he or she can avail of bank benefits such as low interest loans With longer repayments because of the registration of this project. In fact, obtaining these profits motivates self-employment in individuals. The second factor is that in self-employment, individuals have the freedom to make decisions, and in all circumstances they are the first and last ones to make their own decisions. To explain further, it can be shown that when a person works for a company, he / she has to follow all the decisions of the employer and has no practical freedom, which leads to a loss of creativity, inefficiency and Inactivity. in contrast to this situation, an entrepreneur can use his creative ideas to develop his business well and feel more self-efficiency about himself. On the other hand, despite the causes mentioned, many impediments and dangers can threaten an entrepreneur. An individual needs to have sufficient funding to start a project, which is often funded by investors. Convincing financiers to start a project and continue to work together is one of the biggest obstacles. In many cases, early on, investors give budgets to entrepreneurs, but when they suffer a loss, they stop working because a self-employed person cannot always anticipate the economic market because business is fluctuating and because of this instability, one may suffer irreparable losses and it is difficult to continue this path without shareholders. Another disadvantage is that a self-employed person has to work all the time because he or she is in charge of everything, which makes it less likely to spend time with family. Whereas a person working in a company devotes only a limited time to the job. To conclude, Self-employment has gained a lot of popularity because of the advantages outlined above, but every person must evaluate all aspects before investing to get started.
In the present century, various advertisements have generated a great deal of enthusiasm among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for self-employment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are interested
in working
independently
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
still
prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
agency. In this essay, I intend to examine the main and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons for choosing self-employment and the problems and obstacles that may arise in this way.

One of the significant reasons is to achieve economic privileges. When an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrepreneur
launches a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or startup, he or she can avail of bank benefits such as low interest loans With longer repayments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the registration of this project. In fact, obtaining these profits motivates self-employment in individuals.

The second factor is that in self-employment, individuals have the freedom to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions, and in all circumstances they are the
first
and last ones to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
further
, it can
be shown
that when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
works for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, he / she
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
follow all the decisions of the employer and has no practical freedom, which leads to a loss of creativity, inefficiency and Inactivity.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
contrast to this situation, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrepreneur
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
his creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to develop his business well and feel more self-efficiency about himself.

On the other hand
, despite the causes mentioned,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
impediments and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
can threaten an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrepreneur
. An individual needs to have sufficient funding to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a project, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
funded by investors. Convincing financiers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a project and continue to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
together is one of the biggest obstacles. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases, early on, investors give budgets to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrepreneurs
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when they suffer a loss, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a self-employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
cannot always anticipate the economic market
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
business is fluctuating and
because of this
instability, one may suffer irreparable losses and it is difficult to continue this path without shareholders. Another disadvantage is that a self-employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
all the time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he or she is in charge of everything, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it less likely to spend time with family.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
working in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
devotes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a limited time to the job.

To conclude
, Self-employment has gained
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
popularity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the advantages outlined above,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
evaluate all aspects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
investing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The three charts below show the levels of participation in education and science in developing and industrialized countries in 1980 and 1990. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
382 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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