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The things we learn from our friends are more important than what we learn from our family. v.2

The things we learn from our friends are more important than what we learn from our family. v. 2
Some people say we can learn a lot with our friends. They state each of friends have a plentiful of information to transmit to us. Other think otherwise. They say that our parents are the source of information. They think because our parents are older than our friends, they know much more. After weighing the evidence, it is right to say that our friends have much more knowledge to teach us. Admittedly, there are some advantages in thinking that our parents are better than our friends. First, the father is an engineer. Therefore, you get the knowledge about how to construct a house or an airplane. Second, your mother is a lawyer. Thus, you know the rules of your country. Moreover, you know who is acting honestly and who is taking advantages from the others. However, still I should say that our friends are the source of knowledge. Because you have many friends, you can get a lot of knowledge. One is scientist. Therefore, you ought to suppose if there is life on Mars. You may know if it is going to be possible to develop a machine to transport people from one location to another. Furthermore, you have a friend who is doctor. Thus, you should know how the life has been developing through the centuries. Another friend knows a lot about computers. Therefore, you are able to create computers. Moreover, there are friends who are starting the under graduation. They are supposed to know some news to be succeeded in the test. So, you can keep actualized about what is happening in the world at the moment. Another one knows other languages. Thus, you are able to travel abroad and you are able to get other friends. Finally, we should talk to our friends to be informed about what we want to know. Because they are many, we may acquire details in many areas. Besides, they know the details of the subjects.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say we can learn a lot with our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. They state each of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
have
The phrase 'a plentiful of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a plentiful of
information to transmit to us. Other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
otherwise
. They say that our parents are the source of information. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
our parents are older than our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
much more. After weighing the evidence, it is right to say that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
have much more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
to teach us.

Admittedly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages in thinking that our parents are better than our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
First
, the father is an engineer.
Therefore
, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
about how to construct a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or an airplane. Second, your mother is a lawyer.
Thus
, you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
of your country.
Moreover
, you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is acting
honestly
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is taking advantages from the others.

However
,
still
I should say that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
are the source of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
you have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
. One is scientist.
Therefore
, you ought to suppose if there is life on Mars. You may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
if it is going to be possible to develop a machine to transport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from one location to another.
Furthermore
, you have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is doctor.
Thus
, you should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
how the life has been developing through the centuries. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knows
a lot about computers.
Therefore
, you are able to create computers.

Moreover
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are starting the under graduation. They
are supposed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
news to
be succeeded
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
actualized about what is happening in the world at the moment. Another one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knows
other languages.
Thus
, you are able to travel abroad and you are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
other friends.

Finally
, we should talk to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
to
be informed
about what we want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, we may acquire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
areas.
Besides
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of the subjects.
19Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay The things we learn from our friends are more important than what we learn from our family. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
324 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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