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In spire of tje advances made in agriculture many people around the world still go hungry Why is this the case What can be done about this problem v.2

In spire of tje advances made in agriculture many people around the world still go hungry Why is this the case What can be done about this problem v. 2
Currently, the number of people who suffering from starvation increases, although the plethora of measures are used. While this problem is caused by several factors, but possible solutions can be suggested to tackle the issue. First of all, as the quantity of population is increasing day by day, many countries have a difficulty to give them enough food. Since their financial condition are not wealthy enough, thus, they fail to sustain their people with food. Secondly, many lands have been turned into large cities by devastating agricultural lands. As a result, farmers cannot grow any plants such as wheat and rice. Furthermore, the lack of water to irrigate lands also causes losing lands. Consequently, many people are hungry now. Even though this is quite serious problem, it can be solved through some measures. Primarily, all nations should unify and they have to fight against this problem together. Governments in the world should pay attention to improve the quality of lands for agriculture instead of increasing cities. Greenhouses should be created to plant vegetables as well as fruits in the winter. Besides that countries have to notice to develop their agricultural industry, namely, they should offer their workers with necessary technologies in agriculture. In this case, we can solve the problem of starvation. In conclusion, it would be more efficient to think about the core of the issue, because prevention is better than cure
Currently
, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who suffering from starvation increases, although the plethora of measures are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
. While this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is caused
by several factors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
possible solutions can
be suggested
to tackle the issue.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, as the quantity of population is increasing day by day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries have a difficulty to give them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
food. Since their financial condition are not wealthy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
,
thus
, they fail to sustain their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with food.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lands
have
been turned
into large cities by devastating agricultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lands
.
As a result
, farmers cannot grow any plants such as wheat and rice.
Furthermore
, the lack of water to irrigate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lands
also
causes losing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lands
.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are hungry
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

Even though
this is quite serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, it can
be solved
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures.
Primarily
, all nations should
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
unify and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
fight against this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
together.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
in the world should pay attention to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lands
for agriculture
instead
of increasing cities. Greenhouses should
be created
to plant vegetables
as well
as fruits in the winter.
Besides
that countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
notice to develop their agricultural industry,
namely
, they should offer their workers with necessary technologies in agriculture.
In this case
, we can solve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of starvation.

In conclusion
, it would be more efficient to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the core of the issue,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
prevention is better than cure
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay In spire of tje advances made in agriculture many people around the world still go hungry Why is this the case What can be done about this problem v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
232 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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