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The table shows the number of overseas students enrolling in language schools in Australia between 1996 and 1998 and the geographical area from where they come. v.1

The table shows the number of overseas students enrolling in language schools in Australia between 1996 and 1998 and the geographical area from where they come. v. 1
Animal protection has gained significant attention from social advocates over the years. They are of the view that animals should be treated with equal generosity as like humans, while others argue that they are a vital source of food and medical testing which cannot be avoided. I also totally agree with the latter view. However, a line needs to be drawn to assure no unjustified exploitation of these creatures. The supporters of animal rights believe that they are living beings like us; they also have feelings and get hurt when we treat them inappropriately. It has been observed that sheep, goats and cows which are slaughtered by Muslims on their holy event of Eid, make loud noises at night before they are being sacrificed. It is believed that they can judge that their life is about to end. However, these instances cannot be avoided because of the strong religious beliefs. Additionally, there are some people who treat animals harshly, which is sometimes unjustifiable. A recent instance was reported in India, where a dog was beaten to death by the guards of the society as it used to come daily there in search of food. The social activists took the notice of the brutality and legal action was taken against them. On the contrary, I believe that God has created certain animals to serve as a source of food for mankind. If we think of animal rights and stop using them as our meal, we may starve at one time. There are certain regions in developing countries like Thal desert in Pakistan, where people are alive mostly on animal meat as there is not plantation to offer the alternate food. Additionally, over the years science has been able to cure many life-threatening diseases by experimenting sample medicines on mouse and monkeys. Otherwise, such ailments may have taken the life of many human beings. Thus, we cannot avoid using animals as being our significant food source as well as a medium of confirming the medicines’ effectiveness. In conclusion, people who are not in favour of hurting animals for mankind needs of health and food, advocate that they get hurt which is not right. However, they have underestimated the benefits they bring to the mankind which are inevitable in certain instances. I strongly believe that these creatures are for our utility, however, unjust treatment without any valid reason should be totally unacceptable in any case.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Animal
protection has gained significant attention from social advocates over the years. They are of the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
should
be treated
with equal generosity as like humans, while others argue that they are a vital source of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and medical testing which cannot
be avoided
. I
also
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter view.
However
, a line needs to
be drawn
to assure no unjustified exploitation of these creatures.

The supporters of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
rights believe that they are living beings like us; they
also
have feelings and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hurt when we treat them
inappropriately
. It has
been observed
that sheep, goats and cows which
are slaughtered
by Muslims on their holy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Eid
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
loud noises at night
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they are
being sacrificed
. It
is believed
that they can judge that their life is about to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.
However
, these instances cannot
be avoided
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the strong religious beliefs.
Additionally
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
harshly
, which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
unjustifiable. A recent instance
was reported
in India, where a dog
was beaten
to death by the guards of the society as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
daily there in search of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. The social activists took the notice of the brutality and legal action
was taken
against them.

On the contrary
, I believe that God has created certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
to serve as a source of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for mankind. If we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
rights and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
using them as our meal, we may starve at one time. There are certain regions in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Thal
desert in Pakistan, where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are alive
mostly
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
meat as there is not plantation to offer the alternate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Additionally
, over the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "years'" or "year's"?
years
science has been able to cure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
life-threatening diseases by experimenting sample medicines on mouse and monkeys.
Otherwise
, such ailments may have taken the life of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
human beings.
Thus
, we cannot avoid using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
as being our significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
source
as well
as a medium of confirming the medicines’ effectiveness.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are not in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of hurting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
for mankind needs of health and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, advocate that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hurt which is not right.
However
, they have underestimated the benefits they bring to the mankind which are inevitable in certain instances. I
strongly
believe that these creatures are for our utility,
however
, unjust treatment without any valid reason should be
totally
unacceptable in any case.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay The table shows the number of overseas students enrolling in language schools in Australia between 1996 and 1998 and the geographical area from where they come. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
402 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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