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The table shows the change in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports from 1999 to 2009. v.1

The table shows the change in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports from 1999 to 2009. v. 1
Health of citizens is one of the driving factors of progress and an indication of future prospects of a country. As it is mandatory to take care of the health of the public, I agree that, government needs to provide some of the health services free of cost although it may not be feasible to provide expensive treatments. The core reasons are as follows. Firstly, every person cannot afford health services due to their financial status. Thereby, their health impacts their profession and indirectly the prospects of the nation. To mitigate this, administration can initiate a scheme to provide consultation and diagnosis for the people below poverty line free of charge. For instance, in our hometown, "health cards" are being issued to low and middle class people, which is benefiting public immensely. Moreover, the public got awareness about health and they are organizing campaigns for blood and eye donation for the needy humankind. Secondly, the hospitals are not near to the villages, which makes people travel long distances, therefore spending a significant portion of their money for travel. To reduce the overall expenditure, the government can either provide free services in hospitals or basic consultation and medication by transporting to villages. To exemplify, the government organized a program called "mobile clinic" to cater to the needs of villagers in a cost effective manner. On the other hand, supplying the advanced medical equipment or services is virtually impossible for regime as there are no surplus funds in the treasury. To conclude, the government needs to provide the free health services in all parts of the country, even though they have to restrict the usage of advanced equipment to areas where the public can afford.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
of citizens is one of the driving factors of progress and an indication of future prospects of a country. As it is mandatory to take care of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
needs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
of cost although it may not be feasible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
expensive treatments. The core reasons are as follows.

Firstly
, every person cannot afford
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
due to their financial status. Thereby, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
impacts their profession and
indirectly
the prospects of the nation. To mitigate this, administration can initiate a scheme to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
consultation and diagnosis for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
below poverty line
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
of charge.
For instance
, in our hometown,
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
health cards
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
are
being issued
to low and middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which is benefiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
immensely
.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
awareness about
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
health and
they are organizing campaigns for blood and eye donation for the needy humankind.

Secondly
, the hospitals are not near to the villages, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
travel long distances,
therefore
spending a significant portion of their money for travel. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
overall
expenditure, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can either
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
in hospitals or basic consultation and medication by transporting to villages. To exemplify, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
organized a program called
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
mobile clinic
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
to cater to the needs of villagers in a cost effective manner.
On the other hand
, supplying the advanced medical equipment or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
is
virtually
impossible for regime as there are no surplus funds in the treasury.

To conclude
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
needs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
in all parts of the country,
even though
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
restrict the usage of advanced equipment to areas where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
can afford.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay The table shows the change in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports from 1999 to 2009. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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