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The table below shows the changes in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports in a European country from 1999 to 2009. v.1

The table below shows the changes in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports in a European country from 1999 to 2009. v. 1
There is no doubt that these days people are living longer than before because of the high quality health services offered by the governments for them, however, the question: Are over age people considered helpful in the society? Is being a controversial issue nowadays. In this essay I am going to examine this phenomenon from both viewpoints, while I tend to believe that old people can add a lot to our community because of their practical experiences. On one side of the argument, there are people who argue that older people are not beneficial for the society and they cost it more than what they can give because of their low abilities and skills at this age. Furthermore, they need more adequate treatment than young people at work, while specialists recommend them to work and contribute to the public regularly. For example, some company owners refuse to hire people above 65 years old because they will ask for higher salaries and benefits according to their experience. On the other hand, it is also possible to consider it with the opposing case. People over 65 years old can be considered as a fortune in the community because they can share their practical knowledge with young ones easily. Moreover, they can be involved in the consultation positions in order to keep them relaxed and give them more chances to make corrections for others mistakes as they might faced similar situations before. For instance, in Kuwait retired people can support communities in various ways, like handling the area's problems, supporting young people in their social and practical lives. This will give older people the feeling that they are needed in the population and their efforts are appreciated. In conclusion, as we have seen there is no easy answer to this question, however, I guess old people are offering us free of charge experiences and advises and we have to value their opinions.
There is no doubt that these days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living longer than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the high quality health services offered by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
for them,
however
, the question: Are over age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
considered helpful in the society? Is being a controversial issue nowadays. In this essay I am going to examine this phenomenon from both viewpoints, while I tend to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
a lot to our community
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their practical experiences.

On one side of the argument, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who argue that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not beneficial for the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
society and
they cost it more than what they can give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their low abilities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
at this age.
Furthermore
, they need more adequate treatment than young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at work, while specialists recommend them to work and contribute to the public
regularly
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
owners refuse to hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
above 65 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
higher salaries and benefits according to their experience.

On the other hand
, it is
also
possible to consider it with the opposing case.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
over 65 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
can
be considered
as a fortune in the community
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can share their practical knowledge with young ones
easily
.
Moreover
, they can
be involved
in the consultation positions in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them relaxed and give them more chances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
corrections for others mistakes as they might
The verb 'might' requires the base form of the verb: "face"
faced
similar situations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
For instance
, in Kuwait retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can support communities in various ways, like handling the area's problems, supporting young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their social and practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This will give older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the feeling that they
are needed
in the population and their efforts
are appreciated
.

In conclusion
, as we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
there is no easy answer to this question,
however
, I guess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are offering us free of charge experiences and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
advises and
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
value their opinions.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The table below shows the changes in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports in a European country from 1999 to 2009. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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