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The table show the results of surveys in a European country, carried out in three different years. Percentage of respondents expressing interest in certain sports v.1

The table show the results of surveys in a European country, carried out in three different years. Percentage of respondents expressing interest in certain sports v. 1
In the whole world, the level of qualification of an individual is measured by the subjects what they had learnt. Some people believe that the youngster should study all subjects till their secondary level education. Other folks support to learn and focus on any particular subject to develop the attraction towards that subject and acquire a deep knowledge. I strongly support that the latter point would structure the student's career path with more accuracy for their success. Firstly, teenagers should fix their goal in the lower secondary level education to start to work on their plans. When they study every subject, they cannot fix the focus on only one or two subjects, which make a question in their upcoming studies where to focus. For example, Oxford University had research on this issue and given that most of the youngsters could not select their field of tertiary education. So, the mismatch path makes the student's future into darkness. By focusing on one or two subjects from secondary education can brighten the student to choose the appropriate path to achieve a successful career. Secondly, the time spend to study a particular subject is less, and the extra time can be used to develop skills want to be needed for life. For example, the left out time apart from studies can be used to learn how to cook or how to manage the responsibility etc. Each individual's behaviour influences with this life learning activities. Moreover, the youngster can spend more time with their parents and the bond between them become stronger than the previous ones. In conclusion, instead of making the offsprings to learn every subject to get a mix of unbalanced knowledge, the individual can keep the focus point on one or two subjects and make the profession into one particular field to obtain greater success.
In the whole world, the level of qualification of an individual
is measured
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
what they had
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the youngster should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
till their secondary level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. Other folks support to learn and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on any particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
to develop the attraction towards that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
and acquire
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "deep knowledge".
a deep knowledge
. I
strongly
support that the latter point would structure the student's career path with more accuracy for their success.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
their goal in the lower secondary level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to work on their plans. When they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one or two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a question in their upcoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
where to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
.
For example
, Oxford University had research on this issue and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that most of the youngsters could not select their field of tertiary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the mismatch path
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the student's future into darkness. By focusing on one or two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
from secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can brighten the student to choose the appropriate path to achieve a successful career.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
is less, and the extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
want to
be needed
for life.
For example
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
apart from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to learn how to cook or how to manage the responsibility etc. Each individual's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
influences with this life learning activities.
Moreover
, the youngster can spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their parents and the bond between them become stronger than the previous ones.

In conclusion
,
instead
of making the
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
to learn every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a mix of unbalanced knowledge, the individual can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
point on one or two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the profession into one particular field to obtain greater success.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The table show the results of surveys in a European country, carried out in three different years. Percentage of respondents expressing interest in certain sports v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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