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The subjects that children are taught in schools are decided by central authorities. Some people say that teachers, not politicians, should be responsible for this task. v.2

The subjects that children are taught in schools are decided by central authorities. Some people say that teachers, not politicians, should be responsible for this task. v. 2
While some people argue that the decision about what subjects are taught at school should be decided by teachers. I believe that it is rather governments’ responsibility to decide. There are many reasons why the decision of school subjects should be taken by central authorities. Firstly, governments have a better idea about the society and the economic needs of the people. Their knowledge is built upon studies, research and experiences gathered by experts from different fields. For example, in Sudan, the school curriculum has been changed to a new one since the year 2000. To involve more subjects that teach students practical skills such as farming,   as a measurement to tackle the unemployment problem in the country. Secondly, teachers should be more concerned about how to deliver the information. They decide when and how to teach several subjects based on their experience about children’s capabilities. In other words, teachers are more experienced in teaching than in social or economic issues. On the other hand, the authorities’ role is to ensure the best quality of schooling throughout the country. They compare different schools to know their needs of education resources in order to reach the aimed level of education. However, it would be difficult to identify those needs if each school has its own curriculum for its unique requirements. In addition, if school teachers decide what are the subjects to be covered then we would have a situation of too much variation in standards and qualification, which is obviously unfair, because some young children, for instance, would receive a better education than others as a result of this and in turn people might lose their faith in the education system in the country. In conclusion, it seems to me that both governments and teachers have their distinctive role in education. However, it would more beneficial for the society if governments are kept to be responsible for setting schools’ curriculum.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that the decision about what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are taught
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should
be decided
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
. I believe that it is
rather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments’
responsibility to decide.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why the decision of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
be taken
by central authorities.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
have a better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
about the society and the economic needs of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Their knowledge
is built
upon studies, research and experiences gathered by experts from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields.
For example
, in Sudan, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
to a new one since the year 2000. To involve more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that teach students practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as farming,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
as a measurement to tackle the unemployment problem in the country.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
should be more concerned about how to deliver the information. They decide when and how to teach several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
based on their experience about children’s capabilities.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are more experienced in teaching than in social or economic issues.

On the other hand
, the authorities’ role is to ensure the best quality of schooling throughout the country. They compare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to know their needs of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
resources in order to reach the aimed level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
However
, it would be difficult to identify those needs if each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
curriculum for its unique requirements.
In addition
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
decide what are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
to
be covered
then we would have a situation of too much variation in standards and qualification, which is
obviously
unfair,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young children,
for instance
, would receive a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
than others
as a result
of this and in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might lose their faith in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system in the country.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
have their distinctive role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
However
, it would more beneficial for the society if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
to be responsible for setting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools’
curriculum.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay The subjects that children are taught in schools are decided by central authorities. Some people say that teachers, not politicians, should be responsible for this task. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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