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The students discuss two campus jobs. Explain the advantages and disadvantages of the jobs. v.1

The students discuss two campus jobs. Explain the advantages and disadvantages of the jobs. v. 1
It is considered by a few individuals that teaching history in school is essential while some believe that in this modern world more and more science and technology lessons should be added in class curriculum because they are more valuable than others. In the following essay we are going to have a look at both the views and what is my personal opinion. On one hand, history is considered as the most significant school subject in comparison to the others because it has the potential to portray the things we have survived in our past and show young children that how far mankind have developed because of our ancestor. It also plays a crucial part in a person's existence, as one can learn a lot from the past and moreover, it helps the student to grow into a good member of society, by not repeating the same mistake from the past. For instance, in textbooks it shows how world wars have destroyed human civilization and brought mankind into the past rather than into development more still some countries are suffering due to war. however, some people think that without science and technology we could not have been developed and still be in stone age there for these kind lessons should be introduced in schools because, these subjects are the medium to experience things which were not possible in the past and moreover, it will help us to be prepared for future disaster which can enter into our life without any notice. Such as cell phones were just something to imagine because use to think that it is impossible to have something like this but as research evolved these types of machinery came into our life and have improved our communication with others just with one tap of a finger. In my opinion, without scientific education the way we are living now would be not possible because, it has a major contribution in every aspect of an entity like, improvement in health related disease and faster transportation. In conclusion, both are the subjects that are needed to be introduced in schools because, they make human existence better day by day but, still history is past and we cannot improve it but the future can be. Therefor, it is clear that the importance of science and technology is more in schools.
It
is considered
by a few individuals that teaching history in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is essential while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that in this modern world more and more science and technology lessons should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
curriculum
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are more valuable than others. In the following essay we are going to have a look at both the views and what is my personal opinion.

On one hand, history
is considered
as the most significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
subject
in comparison
to the others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has the potential to portray the things we have survived in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
young children that how far mankind have developed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of our ancestor. It
also
plays a crucial part in a person's existence, as one can learn a lot from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
and
moreover
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the student to grow into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
member of society, by not repeating the same mistake from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
.
For instance
, in textbooks it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how world wars have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
human civilization and brought mankind into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
rather
than into development more
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries are suffering due to war.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that without science and technology we could not have
been developed
and
still
be in
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
stone age
there for these kind lessons should
be introduced
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, these subjects are the medium to experience things which were not possible in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
and
moreover
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to
be prepared
for future disaster which can enter into our life without any notice. Such as cell phones were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
something to imagine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is impossible to have something like this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as research evolved these types of machinery came into our life and have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
our communication with others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
with one tap of a finger.

In my opinion, without scientific education the way we are living
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
would be not possible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, it has a major contribution in every aspect of an entity like, improvement in health related disease and faster transportation.

In conclusion
, both are the subjects that
are needed
to
be introduced
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
human existence better day by day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
,
still
history is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
past and
we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the future can be. Therefor, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the importance of science and technology is more in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay The students discuss two campus jobs. Explain the advantages and disadvantages of the jobs. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
389 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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