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The school is planning to build a coffee shop in the campus library. Describe the advantages and disadvantages. v.1

The school is planning to build a coffee shop in the campus library. Describe the advantages and disadvantages. v. 1
It is often argued that music has the utmost power to unite and connect people, regardless of their cultural backgrounds or ages. In this essay, I strongly endorse to this viewpoint, and will give my reasons such as live concert and television reality shows. Music can undoubtedly reach across cultural and national boundaries throughout the globe and bring people together. Possibly, the prime example of this would be the Live Aid concerts that took place back in the 1980s, and which were broadcasted to an international audience. Two live events were held simultaneously in the UK and the US, and the sole intention was to raise funds for famine relief in Ethiopia who struggled in their lives. The concerts were a tremendous success, both in terms of the number of people around the world who watched them as well as their impact on international public awareness of the famine was drastic, which revealed, I believe, that music truly is the planet’s global language. Just as it transcends cultures, music also has the ability to connect people from different generations. Irrespective of age, we can all relish a memorable melody, a strong rhythm or a beautiful singing voice, and the best songs seem to have the same enchanting effect on all of us. This would explain why televised music competitions, such as ‘The X Factor’ or ‘The Voice’, are such popular prime-time shows. These programmes fascinate incredibly broad audiences because singing and popular songs appeal to children, parents and grandparents alike. I would argue that no other form of entertainment can bring families together in this way. In conclusion, I firmly believe that music is unique in its capacity to create shared experiences between people, without discriminating culture and age.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has the utmost power to unite and connect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, regardless of their cultural backgrounds or ages. In this essay, I
strongly
endorse to this viewpoint, and will give my reasons such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
concert and television reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.

Music can
undoubtedly
reach across cultural and national boundaries throughout the globe and bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together.
Possibly
, the prime example of this would be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Live
Aid concerts that took place back in the 1980s, and which
were broadcasted
to an international audience. Two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
were held
simultaneously
in the UK and the US, and the sole intention was to raise funds for famine relief in Ethiopia who struggled in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. The concerts were a tremendous success, both in terms of the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
them
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
their impact on international public awareness of the famine was drastic, which revealed, I believe, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
truly
is the planet’s global language.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
as it transcends cultures,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
also
has the ability to connect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
generations. Irrespective of age, we can all relish a memorable melody, a strong rhythm or a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
singing voice, and the best songs seem to have the same enchanting effect on all of us. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why televised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
competitions, such as ‘The X Factor’ or ‘The Voice’, are such popular prime-time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
. These
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
fascinate
incredibly
broad audiences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
singing and popular songs appeal to children, parents and grandparents alike. I would argue that no other form of entertainment can bring families together in this way.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is unique in its capacity to create shared experiences between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, without discriminating culture and age.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The school is planning to build a coffee shop in the campus library. Describe the advantages and disadvantages. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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