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The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. School should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on subject such as information technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.9

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. School should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on subject such as information technology. v. 9
Many people think that students need to concentrate on practical subjects such as information technology to prepare for a modern world. Therefore, school should put more stress on these subjects and remove art and music out of the syllabus. While I agree that practical subjects should be emphasized, I believe art and music still play an important role. On the one hand, I agree that practical subjects need to be focused on because they prepare students for their future career. For instance, information technology is the basis for many jobs in the modern world such as accountant or office worker. Some other jobs in economics and related field also require maths, physics and certain theoretical subjects. Without the knowledge of these subjects, it will be difficult for students to work efficiently in their jobs. On the other hand, I would argue that although students don’t need art and music in their future career, these subjects still have certain benefits as they can bring happiness to one’s life. For instance, studies have shown that classical music can make people feel more relaxed and avoid negative feelings. Another case is that creating art like drawing or painting a picture can give you an absolutely rewarding and a sense of happiness. That’s why arts are also important and should not be ignored. In conclusion, while I agree that it is good to help children to focus on theoretical subjects, arts should not be cut out of the syllabus since they can make people happy and satisfied.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need to concentrate on practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as information technology to prepare for a modern world.
Therefore
, school should put more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and remove
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
out of the syllabus. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
be emphasized
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
still
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role.

On the one hand, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
need to
be focused
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for their future career.
For instance
, information technology is the basis for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
jobs in the modern world such as accountant or office worker.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
other jobs in economics and related field
also
require
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
, physics and certain theoretical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. Without the knowledge of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, it will be difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to work
efficiently
in their jobs.

On the other hand
, I would argue that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
don’t need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in their future career, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
still
have certain benefits as they can bring happiness to one’s life.
For instance
, studies have shown that classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel more relaxed and avoid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
feelings. Another case is that creating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
like drawing or painting a picture can give you an
absolutely
rewarding and a sense of happiness. That’s why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.

In conclusion
, while I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
children to focus on theoretical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
out of the syllabus since they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
happy and satisfied.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. School should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on subject such as information technology. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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