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The range of technology available to people is increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. Other think it has an opposite effect. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

The range of technology available to people is increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. Other think it has an opposite effect. v. 2
The innovation of the technology has been the highly debated topic since a decade. Some believe that numerous option among the electronic devices has raised the difference in between impoverished and wealthy civilian. Whereas, the rest of the folks argue that it has decreased the difference. Firstly, this essay will discuss the reason behind the thought of increasing the diversity and reason behind declining the same. Lastly, state the opinion in the favour of making equal status among the civilian. On the one hand, the main reason behind the social status is the capacity to buy a latest electronic device. The wealthy folks have more money and tend to be eager to show off their strong financial status to the world. As a result, there is a clear line formed in between the impoverished and wealthy people as wealthy folks have the branded gadgets. For example, according to the apple company of the USA report, 70% buyer of the apple appliances belonged to the wealthy family as they can able to buy those expensive appliances. On the other hand, except for the renowned companies, many other offers the same device at a reasonable price. Consequently, all classes of people are able to buy those gadgets. Because, those gadgets are in the excellent design and fundamental functions to use it. Thus, no one can distinguish the difference between the people who have the same device. For instance, as per the user data of the mobile phone offices, there are almost 95% of the people have the electronic device due to the availability of more options in it. From my point of view, I believed, nowadays, just having a appliances, no one can identify whether the other person is from a wealthy family or poor. Due to having branded a phone with the impoverished people as well. In conclusion, having a latest device does not mean that the person is wealthy as now everyone has the range of new technology at their home. However, to identify the difference between poor and rich person, the best is the bank statement and their living style.
The innovation of the technology has been the
highly
debated topic since a decade.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that numerous option among the electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
has raised the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difference
in between impoverished and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealthy
civilian.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the rest of the folks argue that it has decreased the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difference
.
Firstly
, this essay will discuss the reason behind the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of increasing the diversity and reason behind declining the same.
Lastly
, state the opinion in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of making equal status among the civilian.

On the one hand, the main reason behind the social status is the capacity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
latest electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealthy
folks have more money and tend to be eager to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off their strong financial status to the world.
As a result
, there is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
line formed in between the impoverished and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealthy
folks have the branded gadgets.
For example
, according to the apple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of the USA report, 70% buyer of the apple appliances belonged to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealthy
family as they
Please check whether one of these words is redundant.
can able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those expensive appliances.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
the renowned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other offers the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
at a reasonable price.
Consequently
, all classes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those gadgets.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, those gadgets are in the excellent design and fundamental functions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it.
Thus
, no one can distinguish the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difference
between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
.
For instance
, as per the user data of the mobile phone offices, there are almost 95% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
due to the availability of more options in it.

From my point of view, I believed, nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
having
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a appliance" or simply "appliances"?
a appliances
, no one can identify whether the other person is from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealthy
family or poor. Due to having branded a phone with the impoverished
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as well
.

In conclusion
, having
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
does not mean that the person is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealthy
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
everyone has the range of new technology at their home.
However
, to identify the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
difference
between poor and rich person, the best is the bank statement and their living style.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay The range of technology available to people is increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. Other think it has an opposite effect. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
351 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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