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The proportion of elderly people is increasing in many countries. Do you think this will be a positive or negative change?

The proportion of elderly people is increasing in many countries. Do you think this will be a positive or negative change? PEDjE
Nowadays, in a number of developed countries, the rate of senior citizens has been rising, resulting in both advantages and disadvantages for individuals and societies. Concerning this issue, I strongly believe this alteration will negatively affect on both people and nations. I have two reasons to support my argument. First of all, the more elderly people live across the globe, the more money adults have to spend on to support their lives, increasing taxpayers’ responsibilities. At the same time, it may shrink the size of the market due to this undesirable situation, leading to an economic downturn in a country at some level. In Japan, for example, the percentage of senior ones of all will reach 30% in 2050, which makes the amount of tax twofold compared to only a decade ago. Moreover, this coming consumption rate will increase the national expense for social security. Likewise, it also makes adults lives more stressful than in the past because they should take care of their parents, senior citizens. In general, they would like to do what matters most such as hobbies or work. Nevertheless, it is indispensable to look after their mothers or fathers primarily because they are just their own parents, which might make their lives less happy or uncomfortable. According to a national statistic, approximately one-third of the 50s in Japan usually spend their full time on supporting their parents’ daily lives including eating and washing. To conclude, though the importance of elderly people is immense because they are able to tell their experiences to youngsters, it will have a negative impact on expense for both people and governments.
Nowadays, in a number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
, the rate of senior citizens has been rising, resulting in both advantages and disadvantages for individuals and societies. Concerning this issue, I
strongly
believe this alteration will
negatively
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and nations. I have two reasons to support my argument.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the more elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
across the globe, the more money adults
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend on to support their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
, increasing taxpayers’ responsibilities. At the same time, it may shrink the size of the market due to this undesirable situation, leading to an economic downturn in a country at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
level. In Japan,
for example
, the percentage of senior ones of all will reach 30% in 2050, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the amount of tax twofold compared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a decade ago.

Moreover
, this coming consumption rate will increase the national expense for social security.
Likewise
, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
more stressful than in the past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they should take care of their parents, senior citizens.
In general
, they would like to do what matters most such as hobbies or work.
Nevertheless
, it is indispensable to look after their mothers or fathers
primarily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
parents, which might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
less happy or uncomfortable. According to a national statistic, approximately one-third of the 50s in Japan
usually
spend their full time on supporting their parents’ daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
including eating and washing.

To conclude
, though the importance of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is immense
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
their experiences to youngsters, it will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on expense for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
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IELTS essay The proportion of elderly people is increasing in many countries. Do you think this will be a positive or negative change?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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