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The pie charts below show the proportion of the whole school expenditure in five differences sources over the periods between 1981 and 2001. v.1

The pie charts below show the proportion of the whole school expenditure in five differences sources over the periods between 1981 and 2001. v. 1
It is widely believed that accepting a situation which is disturbing like a work which is disappointing or a state of bankruptcy as it makes us a strong person, whereas, some people claim that it is advisable to strive and ameliorate ourselves in such conditions. This essay discusses both the views before drawing concrete decisions. On the one hand, when we have the potential to live in a strenuous circumstance, it will aid us in improving our willpower as well as building our confidence. It we are enduring a hard situation, it moulds us to be stronger than before. For example, the famous actor, Jackie Williams mentioned in one of his interviews that he had an arduous life in the past which bolstered him to reach heights in his career. One more point worth considering is that it makes us feel complacent as we are able to withstand tough situation. Thereby, we will be having the objective to face any problems without fear. On the other hand, when we are stuck with only accepting the situations and going with it, we will not be able to achieve a nothing in life. Subsequently, the efficiency of a person plummets. Improving the self should be the sole goal, when going through such unpleasant experiences. Unless something is initiated to come out of the situation, there will be no betterment of ourselves. To illustrate this, the famous author, J. K. Margaret reveals that she was a victim of a fire accident at the age of 18 and explains succinctly that she strived extremely hard to escape from it, if not she will not be existing today. In conclusion, tough situations can make us strong, however, efforts should be made to come out of it. From my perspective, each individual ought to believe in the self and strive to bring them out of the problems.
It is
widely
believed that accepting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
which is disturbing like a work which is disappointing or a state of bankruptcy as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us a strong person, whereas,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that it is advisable to strive and ameliorate ourselves in such conditions. This essay discusses both the views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
drawing concrete decisions.

On the one hand, when we have the potential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a strenuous circumstance, it will aid us in improving our willpower
as well
as building our confidence. It we are enduring a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
, it
Possible spelling mistake. 'moulds' is British English.
moulds
us to be stronger than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
For example
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
actor, Jackie Williams mentioned in one of his interviews that he had an arduous life in the past which bolstered him to reach heights in his career. One more point worth considering is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us feel complacent as we are able to withstand tough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
. Thereby, we will be having the objective to face any problems without fear.

On the other hand
, when we
are stuck
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
accepting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
and going with it, we will not be able to achieve a nothing in life.
Subsequently
, the efficiency of a person plummets. Improving the self should be the sole goal, when going through such unpleasant experiences. Unless something
is initiated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
, there will be no betterment of ourselves. To illustrate this, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
author, J. K. Margaret reveals that she was a victim of a fire accident at the age of 18 and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
succinctly
that she strived
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to escape from it, if not she will not be existing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

In conclusion
, tough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us strong,
however
, efforts should
be made
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out of it. From my perspective, each individual ought to believe in the self and strive to bring them out of the problems.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The pie charts below show the proportion of the whole school expenditure in five differences sources over the periods between 1981 and 2001. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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