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The pie charts below show electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010. Summarise the infomation by selecting and reporting the main feature, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The pie charts below show electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010. Summarise the infomation by selecting and reporting the main feature, and make comparisons where relevant. v. 1
The rate of crime has shown a northward movement all over the world. However, in the majority of nations, the crime rate is more in cities than countryside areas. Though, there are multiple reason responsible for this phenomenon. I feel unemployment and drug abuse are the most common reason. This essay intends to discuss these reasons, though briefly, and set of solution is suggested to curb this grave concern. Unemployment is considered as the main reason of growing crimes in favoured parts of the country. In these days, cities have become overpopulated. Even worse, people who live in backward areas are migrating to these areas in the expectation of higher remuneration for their work. Conversely, owing to a large number of people; these regions are unable to provide work to all people. As a result, people commit illegal activities for earning their livelihood. Apart from this, a vast number of cities' people are drug addicted. Urban areas are being chosen by drug dealer for smuggling as here they can target a large number of people. Therefore, for fulfilling their drug requirements, people involve themselves in various crimes such as burglary, murder and many more. Like, every key to lock, this problem, too, has numerous feasible solutions. Government needs to generate ample job opportunities. To cite an example, establishing new business policies which aid unemployed to commence a business. Another way is, judicial law should set up stringent sentence for culprits. Since, it will work as a lesson for criminals and others. Moreover, rehabilitation should be provided to criminals in prison. Last but not the least, welfare campaigns should be conducted which attuned to people about the ill-effects of drug addiction. In conclusion, I believe, although lack of jobs as well as drugs are reasons behind this issue; certain action, such as employment policy, strict punishments and awareness among people will help to tackle this problem.
The rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
has shown a northward movement all over the world.
However
, in the majority of nations, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate is more in cities than countryside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. Though, there are multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
responsible for this phenomenon. I feel unemployment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
abuse are the most common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
. This essay intends to discuss these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
, though
briefly
, and set of solution
is suggested
to curb this grave concern.

Unemployment
is considered
as the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
of growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favoured' is British English.
favoured
parts of the country. In these days, cities have become overpopulated. Even worse,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in backward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
are migrating to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
in the expectation of higher remuneration for their work.
Conversely
, owing to
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
; these regions are unable to provide work to all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
commit illegal activities for earning their livelihood. Apart from this, a vast number of cities'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
addicted. Urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
are
being chosen
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
dealer for smuggling as here they can target
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Therefore
, for fulfilling their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
requirements,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
involve themselves in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
such as burglary, murder and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.

Like, every key to lock, this problem, too, has numerous feasible solutions.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
needs to generate ample job opportunities. To cite an example, establishing new business policies which aid unemployed to commence a business. Another way is, judicial law should set up stringent sentence for culprits. Since, it will work as a lesson for criminals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
.
Moreover
, rehabilitation should
be provided
to criminals in prison. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, welfare campaigns should
be conducted
which attuned to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the ill-effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
addiction.

In conclusion
, I believe, although lack of jobs
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
behind this issue; certain action, such as employment policy, strict punishments and awareness among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to tackle this problem.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie charts below show electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010. Summarise the infomation by selecting and reporting the main feature, and make comparisons where relevant. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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