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The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? 3dVl
There has been much discussion whether individual information stored in the internet businesses such as Facebook and Amazon are safe and have positive effects for the general public or the opposite. This essay would argue that the drawbacks of personal details owned by Information Technology (IT) companies outweigh its benefits for the following reasons. To begin with, it might be claimed that filling in details individual information while signing up a social media account could benefit people in terms of career prospects. This is because some online medias such as LinkedIn, requires their users to input work and education experiences, skills, and strengths which can be seen by employers and recruiters worldwide. Consequently, even though their personal information is exposed, many job seekers obtain the advantage which is hired by the prestigious company and received a stable monthly income. On the other hand, several cyberattack cases happened due to the fact that people personal information like, bank account number leak from their social media account and being misused. Furthermore, most of hackers not only misuse the account, but also steal people’s electronic money. For instance, in 2020, one of the biggest e-commerce companies in Indonesia, Tokopedia, was hacked and approximately thousands of their users data and e-money were stolen. Additionally, hackers behind the cybercrimes are very difficult to be tracked because of their high skill in manipulating locations using technology. Therefore, the stolen money through cyberattacks is difficult to be obtained back. In conclusion, even though there is a positive effect by filling our detail information in digital media such as hired by employers, I still would argue that the drawbacks still outweigh its advantage because the rate cyberattacks is keep increasing and hackers could steal people e-money and misuse individual data.
There has been much discussion whether individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
stored in the internet businesses such as Facebook and Amazon are safe and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects for the
Consider using "public".
general public
or the opposite. This essay would argue that the drawbacks of personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Information
Technology (IT)
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
outweigh its benefits for the following reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it might
be claimed
that filling in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
while signing up a social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
account
could benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in terms of career prospects. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medias
such as LinkedIn, requires their users to input work and education experiences,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, and strengths which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by employers and recruiters worldwide.
Consequently
,
even though
their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is exposed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
job seekers obtain the advantage which
is hired
by the prestigious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and received a stable monthly income.

On the other hand
, several cyberattack cases happened due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
like, bank
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
account
number leak from their social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
account
and
being misused
.
Furthermore
,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the hackers") or simply say "most hackers".
most of hackers
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
misuse the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
account
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
steal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
electronic money.
For instance
, in 2020, one of the biggest e-commerce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in Indonesia,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tokopedia
,
was hacked
and approximately thousands of their users data and e-money
were stolen
.
Additionally
, hackers behind the
Possible spelling mistake found.
cybercrimes
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
in manipulating locations using technology.
Therefore
, the stolen money through cyberattacks is difficult to
be obtained
back.

In conclusion
,
even though
there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect by filling our detail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
such as hired by employers, I
still
would argue that the drawbacks
still
outweigh its advantage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the rate cyberattacks is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
increasing and hackers could steal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
e-money and misuse individual data.
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IELTS essay The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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