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The percentage of school aged boys in two different age groups who participated in 5 different sports in the UK in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main feature and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The percentage of school aged boys in two different age groups who participated in 5 different sports in the UK in 2010.
It has become a question of debate whether the organisation of the global sports events is helpful in the maintenance of harmony and stability throughout the world or not. This essay agrees with the given statement because such events, promote cultural exchange and furthermore, boosts the country's economy. First of all, sports tournaments provide opportunities for the players to know about the foreign culture. This is due to the reason that when different nations participate in these special sports meet, players get ample chances to mingle with each other, which in turn, would help in the establishment of a healthy bond of relationships among them. For instance, if cricket series is organised between two countries, such as India and Australia, then the players get to know each other well and their norms which encourages peace and security. Thus it is appropriate to organise these meets periodically to maintain the feeling of fraternity. Moreover, the host nation is economically benefitted and consequently, it enhances stability of the nation. Since innumerable tourists from all over the world come to watch these matches, therefore they stay in the hosting countries and purchase tickets which adds to the nations' income. One particular good example of this, Olympic games which are held after every four years in distinct nations, which not only give identity to their culture, but also a source of making money for the host nations. To elucidate, these are a good source of the wealth of the organising nations. To sum up, healthy sports activities would maintain the peaceful relationships and reduce the level of disputes among the nations. In the above paragraphs, it was discussed that these encourage the transmission of culture and progress of the nation. I think that these tournaments should be organised for the welfare of the global world.
It has become a question of debate whether the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
of the global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
is helpful in the maintenance of harmony and stability throughout the world or not. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, promote cultural exchange and
furthermore
, boosts the country's economy.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
tournaments provide opportunities for the players to know about the foreign culture. This is due to the reason that when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
participate in these special
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
, players
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
ample chances to mingle with each other, which in turn, would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in the establishment of a healthy bond of relationships among them.
For instance
, if cricket series is
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
between two countries, such as India and Australia, then the players
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know each other well and their norms which encourages peace and security.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is appropriate to
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
these meets
periodically
to maintain the feeling of fraternity.

Moreover
, the host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
is
economically
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefitted
and
consequently
, it enhances stability of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
. Since innumerable tourists from all over the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
these matches,
therefore
they stay in the hosting countries and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
tickets which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
to the nations' income. One particular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Olympic games
which
are held
after every four years in distinct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
give identity to their culture,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a source of making money for the host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
. To elucidate, these are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
source of the wealth of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organising' is British English.
organising
nations.

To sum up, healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities would maintain the peaceful relationships and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the level of disputes among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
. In the above paragraphs, it
was discussed
that these encourage the transmission of culture and progress of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these tournaments should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
for the welfare of the global world.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay The percentage of school aged boys in two different age groups who participated in 5 different sports in the UK in 2010.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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