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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend?

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend? wrQm
In this present word, people are getting so lazy that they stop doing physical task. Thus, the result of this their weight is getting increase by almost 20% which is consider to be not normal. There are two major causes for this along with the effects. All will be discussed in the course of this essay prior reaching to conclusion. One of the major reasons why there is an increase in percentage of overweight children is owing to the fact is that junk food. Children these days so love to eat junk food like burger or noodles that they do not like to eat healthy food. In other words, there are number of food chain like mcdonalds where children love to eat junk food. Another reason people are getting fat is because they do not perform any exercise which will help then to lower down their weight and also, help them to remain fit. There are certain effects of being overweight. Firstly, being excessive weight will lead to certain health issue which will effect their body organs. For example, there are surveys that shows that people with overweight face certain health issues like increase in cholestrol level or they face the problem of high blood pressure. Moreover, children with overweight start feeling fatigue. They will feel so lazy that they do not want to perform any kind of task. All they want to sit at one place and eat. To reiterate, undoubtedly, children these days are getting overweight is due to the fact of junk food and not having exercise which will effect then by having certain health issue.
In this present word,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
lazy that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
doing physical task.
Thus
, the result of this their weight is getting increase by almost 20% which is
Consider using a past participle here: "considered".
consider
to be not normal. There are two major causes for this along with the effects. All will
be discussed
in the course of this essay prior reaching to conclusion.

One of the major reasons why there is an increase in percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is owing to the fact is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
like burger or noodles that they do not like to eat healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
In other words
, there are number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chain like
Did you mean the fast food chain "McDonald's" (always spelled with a possessive apostrophe)?
mcdonalds
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. Another reason
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not perform any exercise which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
then to lower down their weight and
also
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to remain fit.

There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
effects of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
.
Firstly
, being excessive weight will lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
health issue which will
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
their body organs.
For example
, there are surveys that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
face
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
health issues like increase in
Possible spelling mistake found.
cholestrol
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
level or
they face the problem of high blood pressure.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
feeling fatigue. They will feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
lazy that they do not want to perform any kind of task. All they want to sit at one place and eat.

To reiterate,
undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
these days are getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
is due to the fact of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and not having exercise which will
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
then by having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
health issue.
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IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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