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The only way to solve the increasing crime rate of young offenders is to teach parents better parenting skills. To what extent do you agree?

The only way to solve the increasing crime rate of young offenders is to teach parents better parenting skills. yV2g
Recently, the rate of crimes among the children have been rising. It is considered by many that if parents learn effective parent skills, this problem will be solved. I strongly disagree with this opinion, because there are other solitions to decrease crimes rates. Reletionship between parents and a child have a significant role in a child’s life. In modern world both parents are working, and they do not have enough time fof their children. Also, it can be challenging for mothers and fathers that striking balance between work and family, but young people always need to be close their family. Therefore, children, who seek attention and plesure, commit a crime, because they think that if I do that, I will get my parent’s attention. As a result, mothers and fathers should learn how to manage their time, and to have a strong reletionship with their children. However, this is not the only reason that children commit crimes. First of all, young people’s brain system totaly different from an adult brain. In other words, they use amydala, which is about our emotional decisions, more than frontal lobe, which is about our logic desicions. So, when they decide something to do, they only think about their feeling like excitement, and they do not consider consequences. This is one of the most important reason of crimes. Secondly, adolescents are not effected by parent, but they are effected by their friends. Some young people commit crimes, because their friends want them to do. For example, everybody wants to be a member of groups, and sometimes group members want them to do something, like stealing money or breaking a window. In conclusion, parents have an important part in children’s life, but also friends have too. So, they both have to be educated about crimes and their results.
Recently, the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have been rising. It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
learn effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, this problem will
be solved
. I
strongly
disagree with this opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are other
Possible spelling mistake found.
solitions
to decrease
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
rates.

Possible spelling mistake found.
Reletionship
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and a child have a significant role in a child’s life. In modern world both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are working, and they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time
Possible spelling mistake found.
fof
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Also
, it can be challenging for mothers and fathers that striking balance between work and family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
always need to be close their family.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who seek attention and
Possible spelling mistake found.
plesure
, commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if I do that, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
attention.
As a result
, mothers and fathers should learn how to manage their time, and to have a strong
Possible spelling mistake found.
reletionship
with their children.

However
, this is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reason that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s brain system
Possible spelling mistake found.
totaly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from an adult brain.
In other words
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Possible spelling mistake found.
amydala
, which is about our emotional decisions, more than frontal lobe, which is about our logic
Possible spelling mistake found.
desicions
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, when they decide something to do, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their feeling like excitement, and they do not consider consequences. This is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
Secondly
, adolescents are not effected by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
are effected
by their friends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their friends want them to do.
For example
, everybody wants to be a member of groups, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
group members want them to do something, like stealing money or breaking a window.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
friends have too.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be educated
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
and their results.
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IELTS essay The only way to solve the increasing crime rate of young offenders is to teach parents better parenting skills.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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