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The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree with these views? v.10

The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 10
It has been argued by many that the obesity in kids is increasing in many developed countries due to increased consumption of fast food, while others believe that it's due to careless attitudes of the parents towards their kid's health. In my opinion, I think that the both schools of thoughts are valid, as the junk food outlets and the carefree behaviour of the guardians are responsible for this trend. On the one hand, due to the increased pace of life, the fast food is gaining popularity in all parts of the world. Firstly, the items like burgers, pizza and potato fries are very much famous in the kids. Secondly, they have a high caloric count as they are rich in carbohydrates and fats. Moreover, they are made cheaper to attract the customers. So, all this disturbs the equilibrium in the body of a youngster and he starts gaining weight. For example, according to a recent research of the UK, there is a rise of 46% in the popularity of junk edibles in the younger age group. On the other hand, the elders are so much busy in their jobs that they are not paying proper attention to their family. The mothers tend to buy time by serving ready made items to the young ones. Furthermore, there is a rising trend in the families to go out for excursions and have dinner in a restaurant. All this increases the use of unhealthy meals and this is the main cause of gaining weight of the growing body. For instance, about 67% of the school going population are obese due to frequent use of hot dogs in the USA. To conclude, I think that it's a matter of great concern and has to be resolved by proper education of all the tiers of life, so that our future generation is disease free and more productive.
It has
been argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that the obesity in kids is increasing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to increased consumption of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food, while others believe that it's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to careless attitudes of the parents towards their kid's health. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the both schools of thoughts are valid, as the junk food outlets and the carefree
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the guardians are responsible for this trend.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the increased pace of life, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food is gaining popularity in all parts of the world.
Firstly
, the items like burgers, pizza and potato fries are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
in the kids.
Secondly
, they have a high caloric count as they are rich in carbohydrates and fats.
Moreover
, they
are made
cheaper to attract the customers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, all this disturbs the equilibrium in the body of a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
youngster and
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
gaining weight.
For example
, according to a recent research of the UK, there is a rise of 46% in the popularity of junk edibles in the younger age group.

On the other hand
, the elders are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much busy in their jobs that they are not paying proper attention to their family. The mothers tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
time by serving
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
ready made
items to the young ones.
Furthermore
, there is a rising trend in the families to go out for excursions and have dinner in a restaurant. All this increases the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of unhealthy meals and this is the main cause of gaining weight of the growing body.
For instance
, about 67% of the school going population are obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to frequent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of hot dogs in the USA.

To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it's a matter of great concern and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be resolved
by proper education of all the tiers of life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that our future generation is disease free and more productive.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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