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The number of obese children is growing over the past years. Some say that parents should be punished for letting their child becoming fat. Discuss and give your opinion. v.1

The number of obese children is growing over the past years. Some say that parents should be punished for letting their child becoming fat. Discuss and give your opinion. v. 1
The number of obese children in the world is growing continuously over the past years. Some say that parents should be penalized, because they allow them to become overweight. I disagree with this notion for the reason that parents are not always on the side of their children to guide them on the right foods to eat and such condition is hereditary in nature. Although children have been taught by their parents to eat the right foods, they still consume unhealthy foods, especially when they are outside home, wherein their parents are not there to restrict them. They consume processed food from convenience stores that contains high sugar and calorie. They also love to eat fast foods from restaurants like Mc Donalds, KFC and Burger King that are high in cholesterol. Furthermore, when they are with their peers, they will also take unhealthy foods being eaten by others. For instance, my niece often has candies with her and when I asked her why she is eating candy, she is always saying because her friends eat too. Situations like these are beyond the control of the parents. Moreover, recent scientific study shows that obesity can be inherited. If one’s parent or relatives are obese there is a chance he will be obese because characteristics are passed in the blood. For example, the mother of my cousin is obese and her son and daughter are also obese. They tried to reduce the weight of their children by giving proper nutrition but still they are overweight. In conclusion, parents should not be sanctioned of their child’s obesity because this is hereditary in nature and they are not always with their children to guide them in selecting the foods that they eat.
The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the world is growing
continuously
over the past years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
be penalized
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to become overweight. I disagree with this notion for the reason that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are not always on the side of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to guide them on the right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
and such condition is hereditary in nature.

Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
been taught
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
the right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, they
still
consume unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
,
especially
when they are outside home, wherein their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are not there to restrict them. They consume processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
from convenience stores that contains high sugar and calorie. They
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
from restaurants like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mc
Possible spelling mistake found.
Donalds
, KFC and Burger King that are high in cholesterol.
Furthermore
, when they are with their peers, they will
also
take unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
being eaten
by others.
For instance
, my niece
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
has candies with her and when I asked her why she is eating candy, she is always saying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
her friends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
too. Situations like these are beyond the control of the parents.

Moreover
, recent scientific study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that obesity can
be inherited
. If one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
or relatives are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
there is a chance he will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
characteristics
are passed
in the blood.
For example
, the mother of my cousin is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
and her son and daughter are
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
. They tried to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the weight of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by giving proper nutrition
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
they are overweight.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not
be sanctioned
of their child’s obesity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this is hereditary in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
nature and
they are not always with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to guide them in selecting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay The number of obese children is growing over the past years. Some say that parents should be punished for letting their child becoming fat. Discuss and give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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