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The more technology is developed, the les communication people have. Do you agree or disagree?

The more technology is developed, the les communication people have. jDdY1
In modern life, people are adhering to technology because it is useful to do numerous things. Recent technological advancements have had a drastic impact on the way individuals communicate. Many people believe that technology is one of the most predominant manners that limits connection among people. I completely agree with the statement for some reasons I express below. First and foremost, technology is a convenient way for individuals to establish contact through virtual environments. Not only can we deal with other people easily via the computer or cellphone monitors but also click on icons to express various emotions. For instance, some progressive websites allow users to join in face-to-face meetings, then people share their habits, interests, or problems at work advantageously. Therefore, we decrease time to interact with everyone in real life. In addition, we can observe that we often spend much time scrolling down the newsfeed board or facing down to the telephone instead of interacting with everyone directly. Online Internet software tools help us to look up any information when we are in black, and it contains a thousand fascinating videos, films, songs… for us to expand knowledge or unwind when we are exhausted. Sometimes we can’t take our eyes off it and fail to remember to talk more with family and friends. To give a clear example, people read news by electronic devices such as laptops or television but not asking other persons for their status and feeling alternatively. Moreover, the fast pace of modern life including the development of technology, which takes us almost time for working, is the restriction of communication. People’s routine would mostly circle around assignments, lessons or the online meetings. In particular, we are busy earning money, hence the concern of other things decline from time to time. Unless we can maintain work-life balance, it can be more fragile among connections of people. From these arguments, I am firmly convinced that individuals decrease time talking and sharing together when technology has become an integral part. Science adds to the convenience of our life, assists our work helpfully but it leads to a consequence that we forget living in reality. Adjusting the habits of using technology so much so we can talk and express our desire significantly.
In modern life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are adhering to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is useful to do numerous things. Recent technological advancements have had a drastic impact on the way individuals communicate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is one of the most predominant manners that limits connection among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons I express below.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is a convenient way for individuals to establish contact through virtual environments. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can we deal with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
easily
via the computer or cellphone monitors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
click on icons to express various emotions.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
progressive websites
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
users to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in face-to-face meetings, then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
share their habits, interests, or problems at work
advantageously
.
Therefore
, we decrease
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to interact with everyone in real life.

In addition
, we can observe that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
spend much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
scrolling down the newsfeed board or facing down to the telephone
instead
of interacting with everyone
directly
. Online Internet software tools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to look up any information when we are in black, and it contains a thousand fascinating videos, films, songs… for us to expand knowledge or unwind when we
are exhausted
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
we can’t take our eyes off it and fail to remember to talk more with family and friends. To give a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
read news by electronic devices such as laptops or television
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not asking other persons for their status and feeling
alternatively
.

Moreover
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
pace of modern life including the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, which takes us almost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for working, is the restriction of communication.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People’s
routine would
mostly
circle around assignments, lessons or the online meetings.
In particular
, we are busy earning money,
hence
the concern of other things decline from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Unless we can maintain work-life balance, it can be more fragile among connections of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

From these arguments, I am
firmly
convinced that individuals decrease
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
talking and sharing together when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has become an integral part. Science
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
to the convenience of our life, assists our work
helpfully
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it leads to a consequence that we forget living in reality. Adjusting the habits of using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we can talk and express our desire
significantly
.

IELTS essay The more technology is developed, the les communication people have.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
374 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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