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The more a product is advertised, the more people will want to buy it. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The more a product is advertised, the more people will want to buy it. bbjW6
In present year, we are living in a computer age and advertising has improved noticeably. Advertising industry tend to attract more people so that to sell their products. This essay will support the point produced above. It is intended to reveal the evidences in order to prove that advertising can affect on communities' mind. It is obvious that nowadays most of individuals are using technology such as TV, smartphone, radio and others that are the main things which can distribute anything easily and faster. Interestingly, they pay a lot to the state and channels in the messengers so that they advertise for about 5 or 6 times in a day because people who watch it everyday will be attracted and prone to buy the products advertised. For instance, Cola is popular despite it is considered to be harmful because it is being advertised anywhere and encouraging communities that it can give people energy. Like that they want to hit the jackpot. It is clear that they also use another way to achieve their goals. Obviously, they ask popular to advertise their stuff in messengers and TV by making compliment to that product by offering good deal. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo who is one of the best football player in his generation always advertises shampoo called 'Clear' and his fans tend to utilize it despite it is expensive. In light of evidence, it is crystal clear that advertising is effective way to make people buy things although it is not useful for them and I still believe that the more a product is advertised, the more people want to buy it.
In present year, we are living in a computer age and advertising has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
noticeably
. Advertising industry tend to attract more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that to sell their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
. This essay will support the point produced above. It
is intended
to reveal the evidences in order to prove that advertising can
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on communities' mind.

It is obvious that nowadays
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the individuals") or simply say "most individuals".
most of individuals
are using technology such as TV, smartphone, radio
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
that are the main things which can distribute anything
easily
and faster.
Interestingly
, they pay a lot to the state and channels in the messengers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they advertise for about 5 or 6 times in a day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
it
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
will
be attracted
and prone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
advertised.
For instance
, Cola is popular despite it
is considered
to be harmful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
being advertised
anywhere and encouraging communities that it can give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
energy. Like that they want to hit the jackpot.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
another way to achieve their goals.
Obviously
, they ask popular to advertise their stuff in messengers and TV by making compliment to that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
by offering
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
deal.
For example
, Cristiano Ronaldo who is one of the best football player in his generation always advertises shampoo called '
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Clear
' and his fans tend to utilize it despite it is expensive.

In light of evidence, it is crystal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that advertising is
Please check whether an article is missing: "a effective".
effective
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things although it is not useful for them and I
still
believe that the more a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
is advertised
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it.

IELTS essay The more a product is advertised, the more people will want to buy it.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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