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The money spent on space research has brought enormous benefits to mankind. But it could be more usefully applied. How far do you agree? v.1

The money spent on space research has brought enormous benefits to mankind. But it could be more usefully applied. How far do you agree? v. 1
Many people in the world listen to music daily, regardless of their cultural backgrounds and ages. I partly agree with the opinion that music is a good way to unite and connect people of different cultures and at different ages. The opinion has a disadvantage in the way that it is difficult for different kinds of people to bond with each other by music since people's taste of music varies according to their cultural backgrounds and ages. Even though English is becoming the world common language, people yet like songs that artists sing in their native language. For example, Japanese songs are more popular than foreign songs in Japan and Japanese songs always occupying higher ranks of music charts in Japan. Also, the young don't try to listen to songs released before they were born and similarly the old is unwilling to listen to songs popular among young people. On the other hand, accepting the disadvantage mentioned above, I would argue that music has the power to bring different kinds of people together. Music indeed is one of just a few things such people talk about with one another. Music can be a gate to the conversation and leads to another conversation topic, which makes different types of people open up to each other. For example, when I travelled to Thailand a few years ago, I get close to a pretty older local person for the reason that we had the same taste of music. In this way, music transcends cultures and generations. In conclusion, while accepting the difficulty of bonding with people, irrespective of cultures and ages, in my opinion, music can unite and connect people regardless of their cultural backgrounds and generations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world listen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
daily, regardless of their cultural backgrounds and ages. I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to unite and connect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
cultures and at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
ages.

The opinion has a disadvantage in the way that it is difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to bond with each other by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's taste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
varies according to their cultural backgrounds and ages.
Even though
English is becoming the world common language,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
yet
like songs that artists sing in their native language.
For example
, Japanese songs are more popular than foreign songs in Japan and Japanese songs always occupying higher ranks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
charts in Japan.
Also
, the young don't try to listen to songs released
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they
were born
and
similarly
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
is unwilling to listen to songs popular among young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
, accepting the disadvantage mentioned above, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has the power to bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
indeed
is one of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a few things such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
talk about with one another.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
can be a gate to the conversation and leads to another conversation topic, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
open up to each other.
For example
, when I travelled to Thailand a few years ago, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
close to a pretty older local person for the reason that we had the same taste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
transcends cultures and generations.

In conclusion
, while accepting the difficulty of bonding with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, irrespective of cultures and ages, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can unite and connect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regardless of their cultural backgrounds and generations.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The money spent on space research has brought enormous benefits to mankind. But it could be more usefully applied. How far do you agree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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