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The money given to help poor countries does not solve the problem of poverty, so rich countries should give other types of help instead. v.2

The money given to help poor countries does not solve the problem of poverty, so rich countries should give other types of help instead. v. 2
It is said that support funds that are given to third world countries will not solve the poverty issue and therefore developed countries should think of other kinds of help, which are more effective. To a certain point, I would agree that there should be an alternative kind of help for the poor countries, but financial support would also be needed for a short time period. Many experts believe that financial supports that are given to poor countries are not effective and efficient; therefore there should be other kinds of help which could be considered. Firstly, it is a fact that illiteracy has become one of the major issues in poor countries, and developed countries could send some of their teachers to improve the education system there. It is hoped should the literacy rate increase, the number of unemployment will gradually reduce. Secondly, people of the poor countries are suffering due to the low quality of the health system there. Building more qualified hospitals and improving the quality of the medical staffs would be an effective way to help them. And lastly, many third world countries have a bad infrastructure and public transportation facilities. By building more roads and improving the public transports there, it is hoped that people of these poor countries would be more productive as they will have easier access to their workplaces. It can be seen that all of the alternative ideas are long term projects, and people would only see the improvement after ten or fifteen years minimum. For a short period of time, financial aid is still needed by the third world countries; as governments could not provide decent health and education system, and many people are starving and sick. However, since corruption is also a serious problem in poor countries, strict monitoring over the financial support should be a priority, to ensure that the fund is appropriately utilised. In conclusion, to a certain extent, I would agree that financial aids given by advanced countries to poor nations would not be the best solution in solving the poverty issue. However, since resolving poverty problem would be a long term project, financial help should also be given for a short period of time, but it should be strictly controlled.
It
is said
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
funds that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to third world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
will not solve the poverty issue and
therefore
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of other kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
, which are more effective. To a certain point, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that there should be an alternative kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
would
also
be needed
for a short time period.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
experts believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supports
that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are not effective and efficient;
therefore
there should be other kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
which could
be considered
.
Firstly
, it is a fact that illiteracy has become one of the major issues in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, and developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their teachers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the education system there. It
is hoped
should the literacy rate increase, the number of unemployment will
gradually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are suffering due to the low quality of the health system there. Building more qualified hospitals and improving the quality of the medical staffs would be an effective way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them. And
lastly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
third world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
infrastructure and public transportation facilities. By building more roads and improving the public transports there, it
is hoped
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
would be more productive as they will have easier access to their workplaces.

It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
Consider using "all the".
all of the
alternative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
are long term projects, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the improvement after ten or fifteen years minimum. For a short period of time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aid is
still
needed by the third world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
; as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
could not provide decent health and education system, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are starving and sick.
However
, since corruption is
also
a serious problem in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, strict monitoring over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
should be a priority, to ensure that the fund is
appropriately
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
.

In conclusion
, to a certain extent, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
nations would not be the best solution in solving the poverty issue.
However
, since resolving poverty problem would be a long term project,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
should
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for a short period of time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it should be
strictly
controlled.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay The money given to help poor countries does not solve the problem of poverty, so rich countries should give other types of help instead. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
374 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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